The Problem With Men and Me
by Jessie of the Keyboard
Summary: There are a lot of things Penelope Lyon has no problem with. Reading books, setting Slytherins' book bags aflame  Accidentally of course , and quidditch among them. Unfortunately, boys are not. Sirius/OC, James/Lily, Remus/Chocolate, Peter/Snacks
1. Potential

**The Problem with Men and Me**

"_Focus on your potential instead of your limitations." – Alan Loy McGinnis_

Chapter 1: _Potential_

Potential. It's word that I think is supposed to be good. You know, bring to mind good things, like hope or success. Something like that. But I've come to notice that it often is used in negative context.

'So much unfulfilled potential.'

'Try living up to your potential for once!'

'If you actually did something with your hair, you could be potentially pretty!'

'He had so much potential.'

I've never heard anyone actually use it in a happy context. I don't think at least.

"This could potentially get us in trouble," Mary hissed in my ear, tugging furiously on my sleeve, trying to drag me back, away from the somehow-left-open door of the restricted section.

"Live a little Mary, how often does one get the chance to get a look at those books?" I brushed her off, giving her a little reassuring grin. "Go on back to the table and wait, then. I just want a peek." You can't blame me for being so curious. All of my five years at Hogwarts, the Restricted Section had seemed like this impregnable fortress. I really like reading- so somehow it had been built up in my mind as the treasure cove of ancient tomes and scrolls dating back to Grecian times.

Mary backed away from me, and went back to bury her nose in her assigned reading, good student that she was, while I slipped into my holy of holies.

It was darker than I'd always imagined it, and dusty. I'd imagined the books all giving off this sort of glow- like every single one of them held innumerable golden bits of information. In reality the majority of them were bound in dark and cracked leather, and everything was coated in an inch of dust. I sneezed twice.

The also all seemed to be about one sort of dark magic or another. Which was really disappointing- I thought maybe they'd be about something really fascinating. Which I guess dark magic has the potential to be. But I had no interest in studying it- why would I? Leave dark magic to the Slytherins- Gryffindors like my own luminescent self should stay focused on things like Charms and transfiguration. And ways to thwart dark magic. Defense Against the Dark Arts, all that rot. Still- I decided that, since I was in, I should look around a bit.

The opportunity was too good to pass up, after all. I'd probably never get a chance like that again. So I kept wandering between the shelves, running my fingers through the layers of dust, reading the golden script on the spines. 'Wicked Warlocks of the Thirteenth Century and How They Came to Power', 'Grimoire of Curses', 'Ghastly Games'. The titles alone were enough to keep me smiling- they were that bad.

"Lyon!"

Oh. Crap. I whipped around, back to the door. Madame Pince was standing there, scowling down her beak-ish nose at me.

That was about when the screaming started.

I guess maybe sometimes potential can be fulfilled- just… not the times we'd actually like it to be, eh? Mary'll never let me hear the end of it.

**The Problem with Men and Me: Potential The Problem with Men and Me: Potential The Problem with Men and Me: Potential**** The Problem with Men and Me: Potential**

_I decided that, since I've got 'Devil's Snare, James Potter, and Other Things That Might Kill Me' as a lengthy-chaptered story, I can allow myself one more. With short chapters (Around 500 words?) that I'll try and keep up with daily. And it will be Marauder's Era. So yeah- reviews are always appreciated._


	2. Pity

_J.K. Rowling owns all canon characters, places, and ideas. I make no claim to them._

**The Problem with Men and Me**

"Friends help; others pity."_ – Unknown_

Chapter 2: _Pity_

"I told you so." Mary muttered to me, as we hurried out of the library, away from a fuming Madame Pince, and the gawking students. "I told you not to go in. But _noooo_, you just _had_ to take a peek. 'Live a little, Mary!' You said- well let's see you live a little in detention while everyone else is in Hogsmeade!" She was so angry with me- I didn't get it. It wasn't like I'd gotten _her_ into trouble.

So I shot her a look, raising my eyebrows at her. "It's not that big a deal. Just one detention- and I don't feel like going to Hogsmeade this weekend anyway." I shrugged, readjusting the strap of my book back so that it didn't cut into my shoulder so much and carrying on in the direction of Gryffindor Tower.

I loved Mary Macdonald- really, I did- she was my best mate. And she was sweet, and I knew her intentions were good and everything, but sometimes she got a bit annoying. She was like that little voice in the back of my head that was always sending me on guilt trips, and trying to keep me from doing what I wanted to. I'm not exactly a rule breaker- but compared to Mary I'm a bloody _convict_. She never did _anything_ wrong. It was aggravating.

I didn't get detention often, but I wasn't _perfect_. I got into little spots of trouble sometimes.

Like last year when I accidentally set a Slytherin girl's book bag on fire in Transfiguration. It really _was_ an accident though. Honest- I was just playing around with my wand, flicking it back and forth and being bored and her back just _ignited_.

That seems to be what everyone remembers about me, though. 'That girl who set that other girl's bag on fire last year.' I guess it's better than Mary, though. She's 'that girl who got hit with an entrails expelling curse third year'. Luckily Mulciber was a stupid oaf and it didn't really work- and she only vomiting really violently in the middle of the hallway. At least I'm known as a semi-bad-arse. She's just a vomiting mess.

"Hopscotch." Mary told the Fat lady in a low growl, and then marched on into the Common Room, nearly slamming the Portrait in my face.

I took it to mean that she was still cross with me.

The Common Room wasn't too crowded- it was a sunny Friday afternoon and the O.W.L.s and N.E.W.T.s had been the week before, so all the fifth and seventh years were out relaxing, enjoying the relief of being finished with the really important exams. I myself was relishing the feeling. It was like having a giant weight lifted off my shoulders- even though all the professors were telling us we should already start worrying about our N.E.W.T.s.

Marlene McKinnon was in our dormitory, looking at Mary's bed in a perplexed manner. The curtains were drawn around it, and I had a feeling she'd probably made a scene of stomping in, and raving like a madwoman, before throwing herself onto it.

"Heard about the detention. Sorry, Penny." Marlene's voice was full of pity.

Mary gave a 'hmph' from behind the curtains.

I grinned, and shrugged her apology off. "Well, at least I can say I've been in the Restricted Section now."

Marlene, at least, thought it was as equally cool as I did. Mary listened to our conversation with a distinctly disapproving silence.


	3. Punishment

**The Problem with Men and Me**

_"Punishment is lame, but it comes." – George Herbert_

Chapter 3: _Punishment_

"You two will be scrubbing the bedpans." Said Madame Pomfrey cheerily.

I think there's something seriously wrong with anyone who can say that sentence cheerily. Sadistic nurse. She gave James Potter and I scrub brushes and bottles of soap, and left us to it.

We exchanged a glance.

"What're you in for?" Potter asked me, holding up his scrub brush and waving it around.

I shrugged, "Went into the Restricted Section without permission. You?"

James Potter and I didn't really talk much. We were both in Gryffindor- in the same year, but we weren't really close. His group of boys had always kept to his group of boys, and Mary and I were sort of a unit who didn't associate with too many others. Plus, I was roommates with Lily Evans- and she _hated_ him. And she was really the only one he paid any real attention to. He was good looking, I guess, small-ish, with absurdly messy hair, and rectangular frame glasses. "Sirius and I put liquefied acid pops in Mulciber's pumpkin juice Wednesday during lunch. Burned a hole right through his tongue. It was awesome." He snickered, and chose a bedpan to start scrubbing.

I couldn't help but grin at the image, and set to work on my own bedpan. "Wish I'd have seen it. Hate him." I replied. Honestly too- He was the guy who tried to seriously hurt Mary in our third year. The very thought of him made my fists clench.

We worked in silence for a while, scrubbing away and holding back gags. At some point I began to notice that James was _talking_ to someone- quietly- while he worked. But we were the only two people in the Hospital Wing- Madame Pomfrey was in her office, and all the beds were empty. That left me with one question- who was he talking to? I could hear the answering voice too- it wasn't like he was just barmy and talking to himself.

I peeked over towards him, shielding my far with my hair. I could just see him holding a mirror in one hand, low, while he scrubbed with the other hand. And when he tilted his hand a bit in my direction, I could see that it wasn't _his_ face the mirror was reflecting back.

Sirius Black was easily recognized. He had a distinctly handsome face, a memorable one. Not to mention I'd spent the last five years of my life looking at him whenever I felt like I could use a good dose of eye candy. (Alright, so really only the last year- I hadn't think much of boys before I turned fifteen) The angle was a bit odd, but I could make out his grey eyes, dark eyelashes, square jaw, and crooked grin.

Quickly looking away again, I scrubbed twice as hard. _Just focus on the work and get done, so you can go and get a nap before people start getting back from Hogsmeade._ I told myself, chewing on my lip, and trying in vain to keep myself from eavesdropping on the two of them.


	4. Persuasion

**The Problem with Men and Me**

_"Persuasion is often more effectual than force."_ _– Aesop_

Chapter 4: _Persuasion_

My fingers were aching from all the scrubbing, and my hair had gone from hanging around my shoulders to a messy bun on top of my head, with loose strands sticking out everywhere. But, we were done.

And I hope desperately that I'd never ever scrub another bedpan in my _life_. In fact- I hoped never to _see_ another bedpan in my life. Or even _hear_ about them. If I never _thought_ about a bedpan again it would be too soon.

James didn't seem as exhausted as I was- I guess all that quaffle-catching strengthened his arms up, or something.

"Hey, Lyon-" He started.

"Penny." I corrected him, grinning, "We spent three hours cleaning out bedpans together, I think it's safe to be on friendly terms."

Grinning back, he corrected himself, "Alright, Penny- do you want to hang out with Sirius and I for a bit, until everyone gets back from Hogsmeade? We're going to toss the quaffle around a bit." He said the last sentence as if it should persuade me to join them.

Alright- it did a little bit. I loved Quidditch. Not in that 'oooh, isn't so-and-so h-a-w-t- hot?' kind of way. More like the 'WHAT THE HELL KIND OF SHOT WAS THAT- YOU BEETER WIN THIS GAME!' sort of way. I didn't play at all- I was no good at flying, even worse than I was at walking (Which wasn't too pretty a sight either)- but I really did love to watch.

Even as I considered the offer, my Mary-minded side was saying how I should be taking a nap, not watching some bon-bons flying around.

My Mary-minded side lost the argument, as always.

"Sure, yeah. If it's okay with Sirius?"

James laughed; "You kidding? Sirius loves to have a girl to show off for."

I somehow didn't doubt the truth of that statement. Sirius Black was a painfully good looking guy. Admittedly, there were times when he seemed like he didn't care about people looking at him, and others when he really seemed to enjoy female attention. I suppose James probably knew what mood he was in- the two of them were attached at the hip, after all.

When James and I reached the pitch, Black was already down there, with two broomsticks on the grass in front of him, and a quaffle in his hands. "Oi! Who's the bird?" He yelled, raising an eyebrow at me and giving me a once over.

Alright, I know I'm not the most _social_ person- and I _know_ I don't really ever talk to them, but he should _definitely_ still know my name. We've had most of our classes together for the last five years- we're in the same _house_. It's not like I'm completely antisocial- I've said 'hi' to them before. "Penny Lyon." I introduced myself, sticking my hand out.

Black looked at it as if it might be infected with a particularly horrible disease. "A pleasure."

He sounded sarcastic, so I let my hand drop, brushing it against the leg of my pants and trying not to look uncomfortable.

"We had detention together," James explained, elbowing him in the side and picking up his broom. "I figured since she's stuck here too, she could just hang out with us for a bit." He shrugged.

I'd never thought of James Potter as a particularly nice guy. I mean, I didn't think he was awful like Lily did, but I wasn't a big fan of bullies either (Even ones that targets guys like Severus Snape and Mulciber- both of whom I _hated_.). But he was being pretty nice at that moment- and it was hard to think him anything less.

Rolling his eyes, Black picked up his broom and stomped off, tucking the quaffle under his arm, to take to the air a little bit down the field.

James prepared to follow him, glancing at me, "Do you fly? You can probably get a broom from the shed, if you want to join in…"

Shaking my head vigorously, I hastily told him; "I'm _awful _at flying," Truly, honestly, _horrible_. "I'll just watch from the safety of the ground. Where I _can't_ plummet one hundred feet to my death."

"Prongs! Are you going to muck about down there all day, or are you going to get up here?"

James rolled his eyes and winked at me, "I'm sure you could if you _really_ tried." And kicked off, zooming upwards to join Black. "Stop being such a prat!"


	5. Prat

**The Problem with Men and Me**

_"I've got no quotes for this, you prats."_ _– Jessie of the Keyboard_

Chapter 5: _Prat_

After watching James and Black toss around the quaffle for an hour or two, I got bored with it. I love quidditch and everything, but it's considerably less exciting when there are only two boys on the field and one of them seems intent on shooting stinging remarks at you whenever he has the opportunity. And even 'accidentally' dropping the quaffle on your head. _Twice_.

I've decided that Sirius Black is sort of a prat. It's a good thing the year was drawing to a close, because I'd be much happier as soon as I got out of school. Somehow that one detention with James had put me on both of their maps. Only in very different ways- James said hello, asked me how I was doing, sometimes we had a laugh over some Slytherins together. Black, on the other hand, seemed to eye me as some sort of target for jibes.

'Seen Lyon today? She looks like a bloody night troll.'

'Hey, Lyon! You _do _realize that just because your surname is 'lion' you don't have to actually try and make yourself look like one, don't you?'

'Ever tried actually being good at something, Lyon? Merlin, you can't even levitate a book properly- what good _are_ you?'

What an utter, complete, absolute _arse_.

James elbowed him sometimes, but mostly he just ignored it- Lily Evans snapped at him and told him to shut his gob, Mary glowered, I just slouched in my seat and silently seethed.

I'm not _ugly_. I'm really not- I think that was what angered me the most. I'd never thought myself very pretty, but I'd never been considered _ugly_ either. Even as I tried to brush off every remark he shot at me, I couldn't help but wonder if _maybe_ they were true. My nose was a bit bigger than average- like a troll's. My dark hair _was_ thick and hard to manage- and sometimes it bushed out like a lion's mane. I really _wasn't_ very good at Charms, and I _did_ have a hard time levitating things.

His petty insults sat and festered in the back of my mind, eating away at my self-confidence like maggots devour a corpse.

I know. Gruesome simile- but _so_ true.

I'd never let him know how much it bugged me, though. I didn't let anyone know. I acted like the jibes just rolled off of me, and plowed through the rest of the year unfazed.

It wasn't so hard.

I'd dealt with bullies before- or at least people who teased me. I wasn't shy, but I didn't like confrontation either. In my experience, if they didn't get the reactions they wanted they'd eventually stop. That's what bullies were always after- some sort of negative reaction. Sirius Black wasn't any different.

Except that he was probably the best looking bully I'd ever encounter, and his comments stung all the more because of it.

So no matter what brave face I put on for my friends, and my tormentor, I was breathing a very deep sigh of relief when the day came to pack for home.


	6. Pause

**The Problem with Men and Me**

_"Now and then it's good to pause in our pursuit of happiness and just be happy."– Guillaume Apollinaire_

Chapter 6: _Pause_

I loved summer vacation. For me, it wasn't only a break from bullies and school. It was the one time that it felt like the world had been put on pause. I could sleep as much or little as I wanted, and read whatever I wanted whenever I wanted.

Summer holiday felt like _freedom_.

But after a while, it did get a bit boring. Mary and I wrote letters to each other in abundance, detailing any exciting events that took place. Her parents were muggles, and they took her to France for a couple of weeks, to travel the countryside, and then visit some muggle theme parks. She seemed to really like it, at least.

"Sounds really weird, eh, Bernard?"

Bernard cocked his head at me, blinked his luminous orange eyes, and hissed. (Bernard is my owl.)

"Right. I thought so." I muttered in reply, and set her letter aside. Only a week left before my sixth year at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry began. I'd forgotten all about how Sirius Black had made little stabs at me for the last couple of weeks. He hadn't bothered me so much as to leave a lasting impression, apparently. I had no reason to not look forward to the coming term.

Bernard hissed again, and flapped his wings, hard and insistent, knocking over some things and blowing papers across my bedroom. I looked over at him, glaring little.

"Stop that."

He hissed again, and kept on flapping.

"Stupid owl," I muttered, and went over to my desk, refilling his water tray and setting it on my desk. He stopped hissing and drank. I poured him a bowl of rice krispies too, since I was out of food for him.

When he'd eaten and drank his fill, he flew over to my bead, perched on the footboard, and fluffed out his feathers, ready to settle into a nap.

I set about straightening out all of the things he'd dislodged from my desk. A lot of miniature broomstick models, and papers with little doodles on them. Like I said- I really love quidditch. My entire room was a tribute to the Appleby Arrows, all blue and silver. Mary accused me of being disloyal to Gryffindor when she'd come to visit last summer. But I really did love being in Gryffindor- I had a little flag hung up over my bed and everything- right under the much larger Arrows one.

Really, I liked my house. I just _loved_ my quidditch team. More than pretty much everything. Except for my mom, of course. And Mary.

Well.

_Maybe_ Mary.

Definitely Bernard, at least.

I accidentally knocked one of my books off the desk, which startled poor Bernard awake. He hooted indignantly at me, glaring with his big eyes and fluffing out his feathers. "_Sorry_…" I sighed at him, replacing the book to its proper spot.

He hooted at me again, apparently accepting my apology, and settling back into his nap.

Oh, Bernard.

"Penelope! Your O.W.L. results are here!" Came my mother's excited voice from downstairs.

I charged downstairs, yelling at her not to open them until I was there too.


	7. Pointless

**The Problem with Men and Me**

_"Pointless. . . . Like giving caviar to an elephant."– William Faulkner_

Chapter 7: _Pointless_

"It's good to be back." Sighed Mary, as we headed down to the Great Hall for the first breakfast of our sixth year.

It _was_ good to be back, I agreed mentally, smiling back at Mary.

I hadn't yet had any sort of contact with James Potter and his mates- except for a brief wave and smile to Remus Lupin when boarding the train- and I wasn't sure if that was a good or bad thing. On one hand, I'd like to say hello to James, ask him how his summer had been, all of that. On the other, I wasn't so eager to reintroduce myself to Black. So, I decided to keep a low profile.

Bernard was waiting for me at the table, looking both cross and hungry.

Really- my owl had to be bonkers. Normal owls hunted, right? They didn't wait for their owners to come down to breakfast and hand feed them strips of bacon and biscuit crumbs.

Mary and I sat next to each other, across from some very nervous first years, and a couple of seats down from Lily Evans, Marlene, and Nancy Wood (Our other roommate). Bernard shuffled in front of me, and pecked at my hands viciously until I produced some bacon for him to chomp on.

"I don't know why you put up with him, Penny," Mary grumbled, shielding her breakfast from my greedy bird, "He's a nuisance!"

I glared at her and dangled another strip of bacon in front of Bernard's orange eyes, "Don't listen to her, Berny. She's a mental deficient."

He hissed and snapped his beak at Mary before devouring the offered meat.

Mary just shook her head and muttered something about me being the mental deficient and unhealthy obsessions with birds.

I couldn't help it. Bernard is just so… lovable. Mary would never agree of course, because she hated him. She disliked birds in general though.

Bird hater. She thought it was unhygienic to let the birds into the Great Hall while students were eating and what not. I guess she feels differently about it because she grew up muggle. Most of us don't even think about it- we grew up feeding our birds at the breakfast table and letting them do however they please. And even among the other kids from wizarding families, my treatment of Bernard was a bit abnormal. But really, I couldn't _not_ spoil him- he was a very particular owl, with very particular needs. And he got grumpy if he didn't get a proper breakfast- resorting to pecking at my fingers ceaselessly and finding her way into my dormitory to leave 'gifts' on my pillows.

And Bernard was much cuter than Mary's cat, Missy Puddyfoot (Mary refuses to admit that she actually named her cat that when she was eleven years old. So mostly she calls her Missy. But I know the truth…).

When he was content with his breakfast, Berny gave a soft hoot of contentment, fluffing out his feathers in a pleased way. "So cute." I cooed at him, and scratched that spot under his left wing that he loved to be scratched. He made a sound almost like a purr and stretched out his wing to give me better access, in the process knocking over Mary's pumpkin juice.

My best friend gave a cry of outrage and threw her arms up in the air, scaring my beloved pet off. "Shoo! Get away!"

"You're so mean." I sighed at her, and directed my attention to my own breakfast, slumping forward in a 'don't talk to me, I'm cross with you for torturing my owl just because he's cuter than your barmy Missy Puddyfoot' position.

She huffed bitterly and refilled her goblet.

* * *

_Yeah... Pointless... Review, lovelies!_  
_I love Bernard. _


	8. Perdita

**The Problem with Men and Me**

_"Perdita Fray is a sexy goddess of sexiness. And she has tits I'd like to bury my face in." – James Potter_

_"James, you're a pig." – Remus Lupin  
(Fourth year)*_

Chapter 8: _Perdita_

Don't ask me why I insisted on keeping Divination. It was my gag class. You know, I could just sit there, spew hogwash, and try and not snicker the entire time. Mary and Lily Evans had taken it too, in our third, fourth, and fifth years; but now it was just me.

And, I thought in shock as I emerged from the silvery step ladder and into the thick perfumed air, Sirius Black. He looked really alone, sitting cross-legged on some cushions in front of one of the low tables. There was no James. No Remus. Not even a Peter. He still sat with the same lazy grace he'd always had. His hair elegantly flopping over his eyes in a way that made me wonder what sort of product he washed it with. But he'd always been surrounded by either giggling admirers or loud friends- he had neither now.

I edged around him, warily, finding a seat behind him and hoping he didn't recognize me.

No such luck.

His head swiveled around, eyebrow arched, gray eyes seeping up and down my form as if looking for something particularly heinous to point out about me.

"Pursuing a career in Divination, Lyon? Is your inner eye _particularly_ sharp?" He asked, in a lazy taunting sort of voice.

My eyes narrowed at him. How uncalled for. But I could play the game. I slouched back on my cushion, and waved a limp hand, uncurling my fingers airily; "Yes, indeed it is." I said, in my best imitation of Professor Sarugani's thick, dreamy voice. " 'Tis a both a blessing and a burden, the inner eye."

He snorted his amusement, waggling his eyebrows mockingly, and turning back around in his seat.

Alright. Jot this down- it is possible to divert Sirius Black's harassment by appealing to his funny bone.

I'd have to try that more often.

In addition to Black and me, three Hufflepuffs climbed up through the trap door, a sallow-faced Slytherin girl I'd never much thought about, and two Ravenclaws; one a girl with sharp critical eyes, the other a misty-eyed boy. The seven of us, unsurprisingly, were the only ones who pursued Divination past O.W.L. credentials. Everyone else must have decided to actually make something of their education, and not spend a valuable period on a joke of a subject.

Although I think the Ravenclaw boy was legitimately there to learn… Who really knows with Ravenclaws?

Professor Sarugani appeared from behind some heavy curtains, separating her office from the classroom. "Good morning, my children!"

"I'm definitely not her child." Sirius muttered, to one of the Hufflepuff girls. She and her friend broke into furious giggles. "Much too good-looking."

The Slytherin girl rolled her eyes, and propped her chin up in her hand, looking very, very unhappy at being stuck in a class with him. I could sympathize with her.

"Oooh, yes, you are." Whispered Gerda Abbott, round pretty face mildly pink under all the freckles.

"_Much_ too good-looking." Purred Perdita Fray, the other Hufflepuff girl and Gerda's best friend. Where Gerda was cute and freckled (And a little bit plump), Perdita was… gorgeous. She was taller than most girls, with long black hair, and porcelain skin. And big blue eyes, framed in thick dark eye lashes. Of course she also had generously sized knockers.

Damn it, even I could appreciate those things. Large, but not too large, and devastatingly perky. Even Lily Evans, who I thought to be quite beautiful, didn't have knockers like those things. She was much flatter than Perdita.

Damn Perdita. The Slytherin girl seemed to be thinking along the same thing (Damning Perdita, I mean, I dunno if she had the same opinion of Perdita's ample breasts.) because she had her dark eyes narrowed at her, and her thin fingers locked tensely in her lap.

And while all this was going on, dear Professor Sarugani kept nattering on about tea leaves, and opening our gifted little minds to the future. Apparently she didn't notice a bit that everyone in the room (Other than the Ravenclaws. Weirdos.) either had their eyes glued to Sirius Black's gorgeous face or Perdita Fray's perky boobs.

* * *

_*it should be noted that that quote is from my own mind- not J. K. Rowling's._


	9. Partners

**The Problem with Men and Me**

_"Once we met here as adversaries, today we work as partners." – Bill Clinton_

Chapter 9: _Partners_

"Lovely, Lovely," Cooed Professor Sarugani, in her thickly accented dreamy voice, clapping her small hands together and looking out at her small class, "Now, my dear, dear, little seers, I'll be breaking you up into pairs, to read each others palms. Won't that be…" Her milky voice paused, "Invigorating?"

Professor Sarugani could take her 'invigorating' palm and shove it up her-

"Let's see," She continued, looking over a list, "Sirius, darling, you and Miss Fray," Perdita and Gerda broke into furious giggles, although the freckled Hufflepuff had on a bit of a pout after her friend turned her back. "Miss Abbott and Mister Jones…" The last two Hufflepuffs. That meant I'd either be with a Ravenclaw or a Slytherin. I wasn't keen on either. "Lyon and Dolohov." The Slytherin girl let her chin slip out of her hand her banged her head against the table.

Damn it. Slytherin.

Well, I suppose it could be worse. I could be stuck with Black. Or with Gerda, who was sweet but would insist on giggling over Black's perfectly shaped arse or something like that.

When Dolohov looked over her bony shoulder at me, I tried for a cocky smirk and twitched my fingers at her in greeting. Her thin lips stretched into a smirk of their own.

See? Not so bad at all. We could had a witty repartee while everyone else mindlessly babbled. (Except for the Ravenclaws, because they never did _anything_ mindlessly.)

Dolohov picked up her bag and dragged it over to my table, before gracefully falling into the cushion across from me, lips still in a smirk. "Morning, _Lyon_." She drawled out, spindly fingers tapping on the surface of the table like pale little spiders. "Isn't that funny? Your name is '_Lion'_ and you're a _Gryffindor_." Her smirk broadened, making the corners of her dark eyes bunch up.

"Right," I drawled back, trying to adopt the same lazy air that she had, "Like I haven't heard _that_ one before." I brushed a piece of hair out of my eyes, and blinked slowly and deliberately. "What about you? How _is_ Antonin? I hear he's keeping the most _lovely_ company these days."

Even Sirius's head snapped toward us at that, his gray eyes widening considerably, the entire room going silent.

I could make a connection- Antonin Dolohov, who'd graduated a couple years earlier, looked a lot like his litter sister. Same dark eyes, tall and weedy frame, flat black hair, and general unhealthy slightly-rabbit-like appearance. I'd heard in the Leaky Cauldron this summer than he'd joined up with the group beginning to build themselves around the man who called himself 'Lord Voldemort'.

Dolohov hardly even blinked at the words, although I thought I saw a muscle in her sharp jaw twitch. "The last result of a lack-wit," She whispered smugly, arching a think black eyebrow, "is to insult their opponent's familial ties."

I felt my face crack into a grin, "Touché, Dolohov." I admitted with a shrug, and extended my hand to her, "Call me Penny."

She looked at it for a moment, before grinning back. "Violetta." She took my hand with her bony one and shook it delicately.

The whole room seemed to let out a breath that they'd been unconsciously holding, and went about their business.


	10. Probably

**The Problem with Men and Me**

_"No teachers give work the first week of term. Probably." – Penelope Lyon  
(Second Year)_

Chapter 10: _Probably_

Marlene and I were stretched out on our beds- me flipping through _Which Broomstick? _and her painting her nails- when Mary, Nancy, and Lily came from their last class. Where as Mar and I had opted for a free period, they'd all taken Arithmancy to fill up the slot.

Personally, I found anything having to do with numbers utterly _pointless_.

"You two," Said Mary, her voice laced with disapproval, "are so _lazy_."

Mar waved her hand (nail polish still wet) at Mary dismissively, "Bah, who needs N.E.W.T.s when you look like _this_?" She asked, tossing her hair gracefully and flashing Mary her best smile.

Surprisingly, it wasn't _completely_ untrue. Marlene was pretty. In a very different way from Lily, and _really_ different from Perdita Fray. She was carelessly pretty. Her blond hair always looked somewhat tussled, but not ratty- just… careless. She never wore any make-up (Neither did I- but unlike Marlene's my face could probably use some…), and she had a light tan and a light dusting of freckles over her nose and cheekbones. Her lips seemed to be forever fixed in a natural pout, and her chin ended in a delicate point. And her chest was as flat as Remus Lupin's.

Meaning very, _very_ flat.

But people hardly even noticed Marlene's looks- because her personality was so tops. She was funny, and loud, and boy-ish. It was impossible not to like her.

But really, Marlene was fantastic at Quidditch. She was a chaser, along with James, on the team. Flew the most beautiful Comet I'd ever seen... Of course, it was nothing compared to the Nimbus 1700s both Potter and Black were in possession of, but one could hardly compare them. Nimbus brooms were in a league of their own.

Mary just rolled her eyes at Marlene and through a wadded up piece of parchment at her. "You'd make a shoddy trophy wife, McKinnon."

Lily, Nancy, and I all exchanged looks of reluctant agreement. Marlene was pretty- but she was much too chatty, energetic, and independent to be the trophy wife of some rich snob. The very thought made me droop a bit.

It didn't at all seem to deter our blond friend, she screwed on the cap of her nail polish and jumped to her feet, brandishing her wand wildly while jumping up and down on her bed. She laughed, a rich, throaty sound, and shook her head, "Of course I would! No- I'm going to be an auror! Haven't I told you? It's my _destiny_."

Funny, yesterday it had been Marlene's _destiny_ to sell sweets of her own invention in Diagon Alley.

Last year she'd been _destined_ to play professional Quidditch.

The most depressing part? She could probably achieve any of those things. She was good enough a player to go professional, and she was certainly clever and talented enough to be an Auror.

"The _point_ is," Lily sighed, dropping her bag on top of her bed and letting her dark red hair out of its pony-tail, "You're supposed to be using your free slots to study, and do homework!" She said, in an disapproving huff.

Exchanging a look, Marlene and I both snorted. "It's the first day of term. No one assigned any homework." I pointed out, flipping the page of my magazine. "Well. Probably... I did get a bit of Divination, but I can bullshit that later."


	11. Proposition

**The Problem with Men and Me**

_"No it can't! An argument is a connected series of statements intended to establish a proposition." – Monty Python_

Chapter 11: _Proposition_

"Hey- Lyon."

I kept walking determinedly, mouth set in a tight line.

"_Lyonnnn_."

Don't turn around, Penny, _don't_ turn around.

"Oi! I'm talking to you!"

I whirled around then, poking Sirius Black hard in the chest with my index finger. "Leave me _alone_. You told me just yesterday about how awful my hair is. And the day before that you commented on my eyebrows being bushy. _And_ about my general lack of curves." I snapped, giving his chest another hard jab. "What more could you possibly have to say to me?"

Black looked surprised, blinking a couple of times. "Oh. Um." His mouth opened and closed stupidly, like a fish out of water.

"Yeah." I growled, and turned my back on him, to continue on my way to the Library.

"Wait! No- I was just wondering-"

"Yes I did brush my hair today. No I don't have a family of nifflers living in it." I replied, already knowing it would be something along those lines.

I heard an indignant huff from behind me, and was jerked off of my feet when he grabbed the strap of my bag. "Just listen for a second, yeah? I've got a proposition." He snapped at me, gripping my shoulders and giving me a good shake.

I glared up at him, raising my eyebrows.

"I want you to try out for the Quidditch team."

"You're a nutter!"

"No- just listen-"

I pried one of his hands off my shoulder, "I can't fly worth a damn! What would I try out?"

He took the hint and removed his other hand slowly, "Because- you're always reading those Quidditch books and magazines. You're obsessed- and you _want_ to play. And I can teach you."

"No- you can't. And I'm perfectly fine watching." I assured him, eyes narrowed and suspicious. "Plus- you hate me. And I'm no fan of yours either." Plus, I was pretty sure Black was a Wasps supporter- and I _hated_ the Wasps. They and the Arrows were arch rivals.

Black glared right on back, "Fine- I don't like you. I'll admit to that." He pinched the bridge of his nose in an annoyed manner. "But James does, and he thinks you'd be a good player, if we could get you up in the air. We lost a lot of players who graduated last year. Marlene's mum and dad say they want her to take the year off, because she had a really bad accident over the summer. That means we've got to find a new chaser, beater, _and_ seeker." He sounded really upset.

Marlene hadn't mentioned not playing this year. Why? What had happened over the summer? I decided against pressing for further explanation from him. "Look, Black, there are lots of people tripping over themselves to get on the team. James can pick one of them."

"That's what I said. But he wants you."

"That makes no sense. I've never played a game in my life."

"That's what I said- but he's been determined about it ever since the other day, when you two started talking about tactics in the Common Room. He thinks you could be the seeker."

"_But I can't_."

He heaved a very heavy put-upon sigh and put a hand on my right shoulder. "Look. I'll make a deal. If you at least try and let me give you a few lessons, I'll stop picking on you. Forever. No more hair comments, or eyebrows, or… any of that stuff."

I didn't entirely believe him. I narrowed my eyes up at him, suspiciously inspecting his face for any hint of a lie. "… Fine."

"Awesome." He grabbed my hand and gave it a good, hard shake. "After the final bell, today. Meet me on the pitch; I'll take care of finding you a broom to practice on."

* * *

_Oh, dear. An actual plot emerges._


	12. Practice

**The Problem with Men and Me**

_"Practice does not make perfect. Only perfect practice makes perfect." – Vince Lombardi_

Chapter 12: _Practice_

"You have to touch the broom to get in the air, you know."

I shot Black and acidic glare, "Yes, thanks for that, I _did_." It was just… intimidating. I was sixteen years old. Much too old to be learning to fly a broomstick, _that_ was for sure. And I was sure that the moment I tried to touch it it'd go crazy and throw me off.

"Don't be such a Hufflepuff." Her teased, elbowing me in the side, "It's not going to bite you."

"You know what would be super awesome?"

"If you got on that broom and up in the air before I turn one hundred?"

"If you shut the hell up."

He laughed and clapped me on the shoulder, "Not going to happen." He then pointed to the broom. "Come on, Lyon. If you fall, I swear I'll catch you." I don't think he meant it to come out like that, because he went mildly pink and shoved me. "Or at least do a little cushioning charm so you don't die."

I rolled me eyes, "Oh, thanks. That makes me feel loads better." I replied sarcastically, and picked up the broom. The polished wood handle was warm under my fingers. It was a Cleansweep Five- lovely by all accounts, not brand new, but not old either. "Where'd you get the broom?" I asked, to put off the moment when I'd have to kick off.

"Mine- my old one, I mean. I ride a-"

"Nimbus 1700, I know." I sighed in envy. "Beautiful broom."

Black grinned, pride clear on his face, "Yes. It is." And then his stern expression was back, 'Stop distracting me! Get up there, Lyon!" He gave my arse a sharp swat.

"Ow!" I yelped indignantly, rubbing where his hand had come into contact with my buttock. "Don't ever touch my butt again. If you do I'll hex you silly, Black. Just saying."

The broom was steady while I swung my leg over the handle.

Once he'd stopped laughed, Black instructed me; "Good. Now kick off gently._ Gently_." He was mounting his own broom, I guess so he'd be able to follow me.

I stood on my tiptoes.

"You're going to have to kick off harder than _that_." He snickered.

I shot him a glare. Alright. Deep breath, Penny. You can do this. Just hover a few feet. I planted my feet firmly on the ground, and then pushed off.

There was a brief moment of elation, when I felt myself lifted off the ground.

And then the broom started jerking around and soared upward.

"_AHHHHHHHHHHHHH_!"

"Lyon! I SAID GENTLY! CALM DOWN! RELAX! GET BACK ON THE GROUND."

"-_AHHHHHHHHH_!"

Everything was one blur of colors and sound, and my fingers were aching from holding on so tightly. How was I supposed to calm down? I was hurting around in the air! How was I supposed to get back on the ground? I didn't even know which way the ground was.

Suddenly, the broom shuddered and jerked to a sudden stop that had me sliding forward and right off. "HELP ME!" I managed to keep my grip on the polished wood handle, so that I was dangling twenty-five feet in the air, legs kicking and struggling to pull myself up.

* * *

_Hmmm... thoughts? Will Penny plummet to her death?  
Okay, that's obvious. She's not- because what sort of story would it be if the main character died before she even got some snoggage?_


	13. Promise

**The Problem with Men and Me**

_"Promises are like babies: easy to make, hard to deliver." – Unknown_

Chapter 13: _Promise_

Black was darting around a couple of feet below me, trying to figure out how best to get me back on my broom. Honestly, I didn't want to ever get back on a broom ever again. I was ready to swear off brooms for life.

It probably would have been a really good idea too.

"Hold _still_, Lyon! I can't get close to you if you keep kicking!" He shouted at me, looking mildly frightened.

That wasn't reassuring.

"You promised! You promised you'd catch me!" I shrieked, unable to stop kicking in my complete panic.

I felt rather large warm hands clamp around my ankles, keeping them still. "And I will! But let's try and avoid the need, just for the hell of it." He tried to give me a boost back onto the broom. My knees just bent forwards. "This isn't going to work," Sirius sighed, and let go of my feet.

"What? No! Help me! Push me up!"

There was a silence, and then, "Well, I could probably push your arse…"

"Then do it!" I was ready to resort to anything, really. I just didn't want to be left hanging.

Literally.

"I specifically remember you telling me never to touch your butt, and I really don't want to offend-"

"Permission granted! Just help me!" I pleaded, arms feeling wobbly and my fingers starting to slip.

He laughed, a clear deep sort of laugh, and I felt his hands on my butt, giving me a firm push up and back onto the broom. I clung to it for my life, while Sirius continued to laugh and caught a hold of the handle to keep me from spinning out of control again. "You really are _horrible_ at this." He told me, actually sounding surprised. "I thought someone as obsessed as you would at least have _some_ sort of clue."

I glared at him furiously, trying to bore a hole through his face with the hatred in my gaze. "I... theory and practice are very different things! And _I told you_!" Against my will my bottom lips stuck out in a pout. Merlin's pants, I felt foolish. I tried to force my lip out of the pout, and back into some reasonable, decent expression, but it wouldn't conform.

He only laughed more, reaching out and pinching my bottom lip teasingly between his thumb and forefinger. "Come on, Lyon. You're going to be on the _Gryffindor_ team, not the Hufflepuff. No pouting."

Damn.

Why was he so hot?

I mean, it's all very well for him to be hot while making fun of me, because I knew that I really disliked him and I could forget that he was cute. But when he was trying to be nice, but still teasing a little bit, and had possibly just saved my life (After being the one to put it in danger), all while being indescribably dreamy and _touching my lip_… well, it was really, really frustrating.

I swatted his hand away, and glared, "Shut up. I'm not a Hufflepuff. And I wasn't _pouting_." Maybe a little.

_Accidentally_ pouting.

"Ah, there's the Gryffindor." He grinned shamelessly, "There's the girl I so enjoy taunting."

I shoved his hand off of my broom handle and managed to keep myself stationary and aloft without his aid. "You're not allowed to taunt me anymore," I reminded him. "You promised."

He sighed unhappily, "I seem to be making you a lot of promises lately."

* * *

_I have the feeling that this might be a three-update day. I'm just feeling it. Might be a bit over-board, though. Should I pace myself? I've already got the next chapter and a half done..._  
_I dunno- your thoughts? Pace myself, or indulge?_

_also- I freakin' love this chapter's quote.  
_


	14. Pout

**The Problem with Men and Me**

_"__(n.) Childish sullenness.__"  
_

Chapter 14: _Pout_

"James," Said Sirius Black, looking a bit crazed with his normally elegant hair mussed and his shirt both stuck to him with a thin layer of sweat and rumpled beyond recognition, "You don't understand. She _pouted_. What sixteen year old girl pouts?"

_What sixteen year old girl makes pouting look so bloody adorable?_

James glanced up from his quidditch book. "O-kay? Sorry? Did it get you all hot and bothered, Padsy?" He asked mockingly, grin positively devilish.

Sirius glared at him; "No!" _Maybe a little_. "Merlin, Prongs, what do you take me for, some sort of pervert?" He asked angrily, brows furrowed and cheeks going a bit pink. "She's a really wretched flier." He said; mostly to get off the subject of anyone being hot and bothered.

"Yeah, well, I'm telling you man- she's a diamond in the rough." He flipped the page, "She's always reading about it, and she knows a thousand tactics. Once you get her up there she'll be a bloody eagle-"

Sirius interrupted him; "Poor choice of words- eagles are Ravenclaws, remember?"

James rolled his eyes, "You know what I mean."

Remus Lupin was towel drying his damp sandy blond hair. "Why is it such a big deal? If Pads wants to ask her out he should just do it, not cover it up with this stupid quidditch thing-"

"I do _not_," Snapped Sirius, jabbing Remus in the chest with his forefinger, "Want to ask her out."

"And the quidditch thing is not _stupid_, Moony! We need a team, and I want her to be on it. She's a brilliant strategist, I tell you!" James gave up on the book, snapping it shut and tossing it back to Remus, who only just managed to catch it.

Unlike his two mates, Remus did not seem to much approve of the entire quidditch obsession. "I'm not saying that she's not- I'm just saying that you blokes are being right tossers. Why aren't you the one teaching her how to fly, James? You're a whole lot nicer to her than Sirius."

Sirius' line went into a very tight line at that, and he suddenly seemed to decide that the pile of dirty socks at the foot of his bed needed to be organized.

James heaved a sigh, "Because Sirius is lovely with girls when he likes them for their tits, and bollocks with them when he likes them for their… them-ness."

"That's called a 'personality', James."

"I know, but 'personality' is such a girly word. Strapping lads like us shouldn't use it."

Sigh. "Whatever." Remus paused, "That still doesn't tell me why you aren't the one teaching her."

"Because," James declared, in a very put-upon way, "Sirius doesn't want anyone else putting their hands all over her arse. Not even his dear trusted best ma-"

James was cut off when Sirius decided his dirty socks didn't need to be organized- they just needed to be stuffed into James Potter's mouth, and held over his nose. "That's not why! I just…" He finally released James, flopping back on his friend's bed; "Hmph."

Remus raised an eyebrow at the two, Sirius muttering something about life being utterly difficult and sixteen year old girls that pouted being adorable while James rolled around in complete torment, trying to get the taste of Sirius' no doubt lethal socks off of his tongue. "You two are such sods." He laughed, and turned his back on them.

"Who's a sod?" Peter poked his head into the dorm, and then slipped his podgy form completely in. "We talking about Snivellus?"

James laughed; "Excellent change of subject,Wormy. I think our dear buddy was looking _particularly_ slimy today."

"Yes," Agreed Sirius, "Maybe it's time we gave him a nice bath."

* * *

_And here we learn that Sirius deals with a crush like a boy in preschool._

_I really didn't want to ever finish this scene. I wanted it to go one forever. It was so fun. It just flowed from my finger to the keyboard. Maybe it was so easy because I was watching A Very Potter Sequel (For the umpteenth time) simultaneously. I guess you get the picture. It was just fun.  
oh. and that's a definition, not a quote. It was really hard to find on I liked.  
Review, please! I love reading and replying to them._


	15. Phobia

**The Problem with Men and Me**

_"Ornithophobia- Fear of birds."_

Chapter 15: _Phobia_

My legs were sore.

My arms were sore.

My fingers were sore.

My butt was sore.

Every inch of me was aching. Punishing me for even trying to ride a broom. I hadn't thought myself out of shape at all- I wasn't over weight, or weak! But apparently there was a different between not being out of shape and actually being _in_ shape. And I was _not_ in shape. Something Black had been all to happy to point out to me when he finally let me land, and roll off of the broom and onto the grass of the pitch.

I could only imagine how satisfied he'd been to see me sweaty, dirt streaked, and thoroughly exhausted I was by the time he was through with me. That was probably the entire reason behind this whole thing- so he'd have an excuse to laugh at me as much as he wanted and see me utterly humiliated trying to control a broomstick.

I couldn't even say that we'd made any progress- because we hadn't. I was still awful at riding a broom- maybe a little better at not letting it throw me off, but not any good at it.

He had not missed a single opportunity to inform me that I flew like his mother, and that he was crazy for even thinking it was possible for me to make the team.

It was safe to say that I had been made thoroughly miserable. And he wanted to repeat the whole process tomorrow. He kept saying that I'd never get any sort of decent unless I practiced like a mad woman.

I think he just wanted to keep torturing me. Over and over again until my spirit broke and I gave in and failed. And then he'd be there to laugh in my face and tell me that I was a useless lump.

Damn Sirius Black.

The first thing I wanted to do after he let me free was shower. So I gathered up my bag, shoved the borrowed broom back into his arms, and ran to get to Gryffindor Tower as fast as I could. I couldn't wait to get all the grime and grit off of my skin, and then sleep.

The shower was predictably heavenly, and the warm water helped with my aching muscles.

When I stumbled into the Dormitory, ready to crash, Lily reminded me; "Penny, you can't go to bed. The Astronomy essay is due tomorrow."

Groaning, I flopped face-first onto my bed and thrashed around, like a child throwing a tantrum. Marlene laughed, and threw a pillow at me; "Practice sucks, doesn't it?"

I responded with a few choice words describing exactly where Black could shove his quidditch practices.

"Just wait until you're actually on the team- it gets way worse."

Impossible.

"Astronomy essay!" Mary and Lily reminded simultaneously.

I reluctantly pushed myself up, marched over to Mary's bed, and snatched her drying essay from her bedside table. "Fineeee. Let me use yours for inspiration, then."

Mary rolled her eyes, "You're so lazy, Penelope Lyon. I should write to your mother and tell her how often you copy my homework." Her voice was threatening.

I waggled a finer at her before pulling a roll of parchment, an inkpot, and some quills out of my bag. "You could, but then you'd have to ask me to mail it for you, because you've got some sort of strange phobia of owls."

"Birds in general, actually." She snapped back, and pulled out a large book to distract herself with.

* * *

_Just embrace the owls, Mary._  
_They are your friends._


	16. Perdita Problem

**The Problem with Men and Me**

_"Perditaphobia- Fear of alarmingly pretty Hufflepuff girls."_

Chapter 16: _Perdita Problem_

"Miss Lyon and Miss Fray." Professor Sarugani named Perdita and I as partners for the dream charts.

Violetta, who I'd taken to sitting next to and chatting with (Don't judge me. She was a Slytherin, true, but she wasn't the awful kind.) snickered and shot me a 'ha-ha- you got the Hufflepuff' look, and went off to slip into a seat next to her Ravenclaw partner.

I internally groaned.

"Hi, Penelope!" Gushed Perdita, coming up and sitting herself in Violetta's vacated seat. "I'm so glad we get to be partners!"

I eyed her skeptically, "Ye-ah." The word came out in a slow, slightly sarcastic voice. A bit meaner than I intended, but Perdita looked completely unfazed. "Me too." Of course, that was untrue- I didn't even know her. I had no desire to know her. I wished I could look like her, maybe, but not be her partner or friend.

She beamed at me, wither her perfect little white teeth, twirling a strand of long dark hair around her index finger. "Really?" She asked, leaning forward over the table towards me.

I blinked in surprise; "Um. Yeah?"

Giggle. "That's so good! Because I was wondering, you know Sirius right?"

"Black?"

Perdita giggled again, reaching out and tapping me on the arm, "Of course, silly! What other Sirius do you know?" Good point.

"Right." I laughed stiffly, "Yeah, I know him."

She chewed on her bottom lip, "I just wondered, you know, because you guys are in the same house, and I heard that he was training you for the Quidditch team…" She looked over her shoulder, to where Black was making jokes to a giggling Gerda about what her dreams meant. "Do you _like_ him?"

I stared blankly at her; "Black?"

"Yes." She nodded.

I snorted, trying to contain my laughter; "No... _No_." Did I give off that vibe? I really hoped not.

Something in Perdita relaxed, she sighed and looked a bit less serious. "Oh. Good. Because I do."

_Really? I never would have guessed from the way you're always touching his arm, or twirling your hair, or showing off your massive knockers in his general direction._ Out loud, I said, "You guys would be a really cute couple." That was true, right? They'd look good together. The perfect best-looking-people-in-school couple.

Perdita sighed dreamily; "I know, wouldn't we?" Geez, and modest too? What a catch. "Anyway, I guess, if you don't like him, maybe you wouldn't mind telling me what sort of things he likes? I mean, if he's training you, you two _must_ be friends, or _something_."

"Uh- actually, Perdita, we're really not. I think he's doing it as a sort of favor for James- I really don't know anything about him. At _all_." Except that he was a jerk, liked to make me suffer, and was utterly gorgeous. "Maybe we should work on our dream charts- you know, so we don't get into any trouble."

The Hufflepuff looked very disappointed, but she didn't argue, thankfully. "I just really want him to like me." She confessed, looking really sad and pathetic. Enough that I felt really bad, and wanted to be nice to her for once in my life.

Poor girl.

I sighed, and slumped in my chair, "Look, any guy who doesn't like you probably needs to have his head examined. Don't worry about it."

* * *

_Sigh. Oh Penny._  
_Embrace Perdita. She is also your friend._  
_Sort of._


	17. Possible

_**The Problem with Men and Me**_

_"Success is determined by those whom prove the impossible, possible."- James W. Pence_

Chapter 17: _Possible_

A week of rigorous practicing after Perdita's gushing confession, Black had commandeered my Hogsmeade weekend for more practice.

"You know," I growled at him, "I do have a life. Did you ever consider that I might want to go to Hogsmeade for the first visit?"

He looked at me suspiciously, gray eyes suspicious; "What, did you have a date or something?" He sounded disbelieving.

What an arse. Stupid prat. Git. Boogey-picking vomit-inducing _boy_. "No, but maybe I would have if you didn't have me spending every waking moment out here. I can't do anything more than eat and sleep after these things!" I told him, pulling at the sleeves of my long-sleeved scarlet shirt, and picking up the broom.

"Good. That's all you need to do- eat, sleep, and practice. You don't have time to date." He snapped and kicked up into the air, zooming around like the prat that he was.

I took off after him. "You don't own my soul!" I shouted after him, trying to catch up. I'd gotten a little better, but not nearly as good as him. At least I could stay on my broom and keep it under wobbly control. I was still too unsure to go quickly, or nearly as high as him. "I can date!"

He wheeled his broom around, stopping so that I could catch him up. "Come on now, Lyon. Who would want to date you anyway?"

Ouch. It had been a while since he'd said something that cruel to me. "… Fuck off, Black. You're a real arse; you know that?" I asked, glaring at him with shoddily disguised fury.

Why? What was the point? Why did he feel the need to constantly beat me down? He was just so mean. It was a wonder he had any friends at all. True- he had his good moments, when he was almost nice, but they were always followed by the normal cruelty. He hovered, gray eyes looking indifferent. "I didn't mean it like _that_." His voice was exasperated.

"Oh? How did you mean it? 'Who would want to date you anyway, you're ugly.' Or 'Who would want to date you anyway, you've got a shoddy personality.'?" I asked in a now obviously cross voice.

He inspected my face for a moment and then sighed. "You don't have a shoddy personality and you're certainly not ugly. I'm sorry. I'm just being a prat."

"Yeah, you are."

"Thanks, Lyon. You're a sweetheart."

"You too, Black."

"… race you to the goal posts?"

"No way. You cheat."

"We're twenty feet in the air, with nothing but our brooms!" Black laughed, "How could I _possibly_ cheat?"

I flapped a hand at him, comfortable enough to only hold on with one. "I don't _know_. But you _will_." I was sure of it.

He raised an eyebrow at me; "Is that code for, 'Oh no! I'm too scared of losing to you, Sirius, handsome and sexy as you are!'?" His voice was teasing.

I grinned at him, leaned forward, and shot past him, flat against my broom handle and going faster than I'd ever dared to before, hurtling toward the goal posts. "You're so not half as sexy or handsome as you think!"

Sirius beat me by a hair, but he was absolute beaming at me when he reeled his broom around to face me. "Lyon, you _witch_! It's possible that I've made a player out of you!"

* * *

_Like? Dislike? Maybe there's hope for Penny's quidditch career after all._


	18. Penelope

**The Problem with Men and Me**

_"Hey James?"_

_"Yeah, Padsy?"_

_"Do you know that Penelope Lyon girl?"_

_"The one who set that Slytherin's bag on fire?"_

_"Yeah."_

_"Yeah?"_

_"… I think I might fancy her a bit."_

_-James Potter and Sirius Black, Early Fifth Year_

Chapter 18: _Penelope_

When James, Remus, and Peter returned from Hogsmeade, bags bursting with sweets and Zonko's products, Sirius was already stretched out on his bed. Freshly showered and dressed in clean none-sweaty clothes. "Guy!" He nearly shouted, "I've made a break through!"

"What?" Asked Peter, already sucking on a sugar quill, "Did you snog her?"

James and Remus snorted their amusement, and James tossed a bag of Honey Duke's sweets to Sirius. He caught them, but glared, "No, I mean with the flying lessons. She's gotten a lot better- I dunno, I guess something clicked for her. She nearly beat me in a race today." The three boys whistled, "Well- in my defense, she got a head start. But she was still good."

James was practically jumping for joy; "Yes! I knew it! I knew she'd be perfect!" He laughed heartily; "So, what d'you think she'll be, Pads? Seeker? Chaser? Beater?" He dropped all of his shopping bags and dug around under his bed until he found the bulky folder in which he kept all of his quidditch notes, and snatched up his favorite eagle feather quill, dipping it in the almost-empty ink pot on his bedside cabinet.

"I dunno, mate." Sirius shrugged, "She's not big enough for a beater. And probably too big for a seeker, don't you think? We haven't done anything but fly so far."

James threw a pillow at him, "Well find out what she can do! Try outs are in a week!" He scolded.

Sirius sighed, and flopped back onto his bed, rifling through the bad of sweets and pulling out a large chunk of chocolate. "You guys don't get it."

Remus rolled his eyes and stowed away his sweets in his trunk, "Of course we don't, Sirius."

"You _lurve_ her." Sang Peter, in a playful voice, batting his eyelashes at Remus, and smashing a pillow down on his head.

"You want to _kiss_ her." Joined in James.

"You want to _hold_ her."

"You want to _shag_ her."

"You want to _marry_ her."

"But you can't even talk to her without being insulting and rude." Pointed out Remus, who hadn't joined in on the teasing, as he pulled out a book and stretched his lanky frame out on his own bed.

"Shut up." Groaned Sirius as he bit off a large piece of chocolate, "You lot are so unsupportive."

Peter lunged at him, wielding a pillow; "Admit it! You've got it as bad as Prongs!" He laughed.

"I do not!"

"Hey!" James protested, "Don't compare his twisted infatuation with Penny to my pure love of Evans!"

"It's not a twisted infatuation!"

"All you ever do is insult her!"

"All you ever do make Evans cross!"

"I'm insulted!"

"_I'm_ insulted!"

"… You two are barmy."


	19. Position

_Been a while since I put a disclaimer up here. Goes without saying that I own nothing, and all belongs to J. K. Rowling._

**The Problem with Men and Me**

_"Do not worry about holding high position; worry rather about playing your proper role." – Confucius _

Chapter 19: _Position_

Black and I discovered on Sunday that I couldn't catch a quaffle worth a damn.

"Come on, Lyon!" He scolded me as I dove down to the ground to fetch the quaffle I had just dropped. "I know you can do this."

"Let's try something else," I begged, hurling the ball at him with force, "I hate this thing."

He didn't look amused as he snatched the ball from the air and rolled his eyes. "Fine." He descended, landed, and tocked the Quaffle back into the case. He pulled out a tennis ball, and threw it up in the air- "Wingardium Leviosa." Swish and flick.

The ball stayed aloft.

"Go on then, Lyon. Catch it."

I shot after it, lying flat against the broom handle and chasing after the ball.

I outstretched my hand, within centimeters of it- it moved over just an inch and I hurtled right on past, cursing colorfully. I wheeled my broom around, and shot after it again.

I never got close to it. Sirius kept me flying in circles around myself, trying in vain to wrap my fingers around the bright yellow ball, but I never even got close after that first pathetic attempt. I wasn't quick enough- not even for this tennis ball guided by Sirius. I somehow doubted that I'd even stand a chance against a real snitch.

That left me to try for beater.

I somehow doubted that this would turn out well at all.

Sirius gave me the bat. It felt good in my hands- solid and warm. I swung it experimentally, nearly knocking Sirius over the head with it. He ducked just in time, but glared at me, "Watch it!"

"Sorry, Sirius! I didn't mean to!" I told him hurriedly, immediately stopping the experimental bat-swinging.

He looked at me curiously, tilting his head to the side. "You just called me Sirius." He accused.

… Had I? Wow. I had- I suppose I'd just somehow started thinking of him that way. Probably because he'd been rather nice since yesterday's practice. Only scolding and teasing a bit since the particularly nasty comment about my inability to attract male attention. "Oh. Sorry."

He smiled, "No, it's fine. I like it." He paused for a moment. "Can I call you Penelope?"

"No!" I shouted, clearly horrified. Upon seeing the smile slipping from his face, I supplied; "I prefer Penny."

The smile returned in full blast. "Alright. Penny. Get up in the air and blow me away with your extensive beating skills." He pointed upward and knelt, preparing to release a bludger.

I took off, remarking back cheekily; "I love it when you talk dirty."

He looked up at me, mildly shocked, before he undid the buckles holding in my foe, and released it.

My eyes followed the hurtling steel ball, as the hurtled around in the air in a disoriented fashion, before zeroing in on me as a target. I didn't wait for it to come to me, I zoomed forward, neither of my hands on the broom, cocking back the back with both hands and hitting it with all that I had.

I knew instantly that it was a solid hit. The shock of the impact shot up my arms, jarred my very being, but I still had the peace of mind to whoop triumphantly as I watched the bludger hurtle away from me.

Sirius too, was shouting and jumping around down below, as if he had been the one to hit the bludger. "I've found you a position!"

* * *

_Thought about titling it 'Progress'. but eh, didn't feel as right, I guess. It might have fit better. whatevsss._  
_Like? Love? Dislike? Hate?  
Special shout out to **TwinzLover **who was the 50th reviewer. This chapter is for you, love._


	20. Pitch

**The Problem with Men and Me**

_' "If there's anyone else here who's not from Gryffindor," roared Harry, who was starting to get seriously annoyed, "leave now, please!"_

_The was a pause, then a couple of little Ravenclaws went sprinting off the pitch, snorting with laughter.' – Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, pg. 224 (Hard Cover Edition, Chapter 11: Hermione's Helping Hand)_

Chapter 20: _Pitch_

Upon arriving at quidditch tryouts, it occurred to me that I'd never considered that I'd have to compete for my position. Very clearly I would. There was a swarm of would-be players on the field, buzzing excitedly and bragging outrageously.

About five of them were holding bats much like the one Sirius shoved into my hands as soon as I got there. "Chin up, Penny. I have the utmost confidence in you. Bash some head bloody."

I wasn't entirely sure that I wanted to bash anyone's heads bloody (It sounded really unpleasant) so I made a noncommittal noise, shrugged, and watched his arse appreciatively as he walked away.

That can't be held against me. It's a gorgeous, symmetrical, firm bum. It would be a waste of my eyes not to appreciate it. Even when Sirius was an utter prat to me all of the time I found it impossible to deny that his backside was utterly and completely delectable.

It was a fact of life.

Merpeople swam, hypogriffs flew, and Sirius Black's arse was admired by all.

Simple.

Upon closer inspection, I found that my competition wasn't really all that heavy. This was proved when James shouted;

"Okay, everyone! I need all the people that are either first years or not in Gryffindor to get off the pitch now!"

About half of the applicants left (Including a crestfallen Perdita Fray and a giggling Gerda Abbot), leaving only me and two other perspective beaters behind, along with several serious looking chaser candidates, two slight boys who looked to be twins and I had to assume wished for the seeker position, and a gaggle of giggling girls who looked like they didn't know the first thing about Quidditch, and were only here to try and catch the eyes of either Sirius or James.

A redhead I recognized as a seventh year winked at Sirius and made a very suggestive gesture with her hand and broom.

I'll give you a hint: it involved an up and down movement that could be considered stroking.

My eyes flicked to the stands, where Perdita Fray was staring, normally pale face flushed with anger and jaw clenched so tightly that it made me cringe. Her poor teeth must ache.

While there were up there my eyes also caught several other things. Mary, Lily, Marlene, and Nancy were all there, beaming at me, and shooting me thumps up. And then, off to a side, away from everyone else, Violetta Dolohov was sitting, looking as sallow and pale as ever, her dark hair hanging around her shoulders, covering her face slightly. Her dark eyes met mine, and her thin lips twitched in the tiniest of supportive smiles.

I positively beamed back.

"Alright," James said, using his loud 'I-in-charge-and-don't-you-forget-it' voice, "I want you up in the air, and to fly a lap. Just to get a feel of what you can do, yeah?" He lifted a silver whistle to his lips and blew on it loudly. Several of the girls giggled helplessly and collapsed into heaps of squirming bodies, trying to support each other past their flirtations laughter. The more serious applicants, like myself, took that as a signal to kick off.

To my surprise, one of the girls I'd thought of as a simple would-be suitor of Sirius and/or James took off with us, keeping good pace. The twins shot off in front of the rest of the group, obviously trying to show case their speed, and the girl flew expertly behind them. I kept to the middle of the pack, not really feeling the need to go fast. I wanted to be a beater, after all, not a chaser or seeker (I already knew I was shite at those positions). James would accept or reject me because of my aim. Not because of my speed. Still, I didn't want to be at the back of the pack either.

After the lap he divided us into groups, according to the position we wanted. I was left to stand nervously between tall boys. One I'm sure was a seventh year, the other was a fourth. How could a fourth year be so much larger than me? I decided not to dwell on it, because if I did I was sure to only depress myself.

We watched as James set loose the snitch, and had the two twins combat against each other for it.

To be perfectly honest, it was mildly entertaining. I wasn't sure if the two of them normally got along, but they certainly didn't seem to at that moment. They circled the pitch, glaring at each other, and when one of them finally spotted the snitch and dove for it, the other mimicked him, and they resorted to grabbing the tails of each other's brooms to try and get to it first. The one who had initially spotted it was the one whose fingers closed around the golden orb. James and Sirius had to hop on their broom and go after them, to stop the losing brother from knocking his twin off of his broom. Turns out that the triumphant twin was called Colin Wespurt- his brother was Nigel.

James tossed Colin a small set of seeker's robes from a bin, and told Nigel that he'd be Colin's replacement if his brother fell ill or was injured.

I found that a rather unwise thing to tell Nigel, seeing as he didn't appear below shoving his brother down some stairs of slipping something to make him ill into his pumpkin juice if it meant he'd be able to play, but I kept my mouth shut.

The chasers went up next. Their trails were a good bit longer, taking into consideration that there were six of them. James and Sirius took part in these, weaving through them, stealing the quaffle away from them. Nancy's older brother, Eoghan Wood played keeper, and they all tried to get scores on him. I was impressed by some of his saves. He darted around like some sort of bird, knocking away the quaffle with the end of his broom, catching it and throwing it obscenely far (into James' waiting hands), kicking it away with a booted foot.

The girl, Ambrosia Ackerly, managed to pull off some fancy broom work, and score one of him, the scarlet ball brushed the very tips of Wood's fingers, but he couldn't get a grip on it.

James and Sirius gave Ackerly a set of robes, and sent the others off.

With a glance up in the stands I could see Marlene watching with a look of abject longing, and felt guilty. Well, she'd no doubt get her spot back next year (or maybe sooner if her parents decided to let her play after all.). None-the-less I decided that I didn't much like Ambrosia Acklery.

She had a funny name. And her hair was too blond. She obviously charmed it.

James had the beater go up one at a time and hit a bludger back and forth with Steven Summers, the stout-looking fifth year boy who'd joined the team in his third year.

The other fifth year boy didn't keep up with Summers for long. He hit too hard, and his arms grew tired. He made sloppy mistakes, and James ordered him off of the pitch with very little sympathy.

The seventh year and I managed to pass this test with equal levels of success (I was getting rather nervous about that bit), so James ordered his new seeker, Colin Wespurt, back onto the field so that we could try and hit him with a bludger. (I could swear I saw his twin brother absolutely beaming in the stands.)

Wespurt was fast- he dodged and swerved so that it was hard to focus on him as a target. Luckily bludgers had a sort of mind of their own, so I'll I really had to do was give them a knock in the right direction. The seventh year determinedly pressed on, continually overshooting and hitting his bludger a fraction too early or late, so that it zoomed through empty air while Wespurt flew on unharmed.

My bludger hit him in the stomach and knocked him off of his broom. Luckily he was only about five feet in the air, so when he landed flat on his back the wind was knocked out of him, but no real damage was done.

I screamed in victory, flew around in exuberant little circles, and practically tackled Sirius and James as soon as I landed. They both laughed and clapped me on the back, and James gave me a set of robes, proudly.

I don't think I'd ever been so happy. I apologized to the seventh year boy, Leo Smethwyk, but he shook his head at me, gave my shoulder a pat and assured me; "It's fine. You were really excellent. I don't mind losing to a good player." That made me absolutely beam at him. "We should hang out, talk quidditch sometime." He added, with a smile.

* * *

_Some have you have been asking for longer chapters (That's right, Joelle8 and Alamodie). I'm certainly not going to promise them every time, but I can certainly aim to give you something longer once a week or so, for the more important happenings like this one, or a date, or holiday or something. It's still not very long, but it's around three times the normal chapter length, so I hope it satisfies. I love you guys, really, you're the absolute best readers an author like me could ever dream of having._

_This is just my little thank-you all for being so awesome chapter. This one goes out to **VoldemortIsGoingDown**, who's been really supportive and amazing ing her reviews every chapter (and also has an awesome names. A Very Potter Musical FTW). :) Thanks love! (also, if you read this I feel inclined to tell you that I stalked your author's page a few seconds ago, saw that you also read Tamora Pierce's Tortall books and spontaneously combusted.)_

_This Author's Note is getting way too long, so I'll cut it off there. Thank you all again, so much._

_-Jessie_


	21. Poignant

**The Problem with Men and Me**

_"Poignant - keenly distressing to the mind or feelings."_

Chapter 21: _Poignant_

"Hey, Penny, want to play gobstones?" Mary asked me, looking over at me from her bed.

I did want to play gobstones with her. "I can't, Mary-Berry. I've got practice in five minutes, and I still have to finish these translations for Ancient Runes." I held up the piece of parchment I was scrawling my translations out on. It was messy, but the translations, at least, I knew were accurate. Ancient Runes was my favorite subject.

She gave a heavy sigh; "You spend all your time on quidditch and school, Penelope. We haven't hung out at all this year."

To be fair to me, it had only been a little over a month. "I won't finish this homework them. You've got me until practice." I set aside my things, and walked over to her bed.

"Don't be silly!" Mary scolded, "Get back to work! I only meant that, I don't know, maybe you're working too hard." She paused, looking surprised; "I can't believe I just said that to you."

I stared at her, just as shocked; "Neither can I. I think I'm going to have to get that in writing, for the next time you call me a lay-about, good for nothing, lump."

She glared at me, and bid me to get back to my translations, which I did, all the while deciding in my mind that I'd devote my practice-free Saturday entirely to playing gobstones with Mary. It wasn't fair to neglect one's friends, even if one had suddenly found herself very busy. Mary and I had been friends with first year. She found a way to balance Gobstones Club and school. I could certainly balance qudditch and school.

I finished my homework a couple of minutes early, but I headed down anyway, not wanting to risk suffering James' wrath (Which I knew was bound to happen if I was late.).

Upon climbing out of the portrait hole I nearly ran right into Leo Smethwyk- the seventh year boy who's also tried out for Beater. "Oh- Sorry." I said, while edging around him.

He shrugged; "It's cool… off to practice then?" He asked, gesturing at the scarlet athletic bag I had slung over my shoulder.

"Oh- Yeah." I adjusted the strap and shifted feet. "Between you and me, you're lucky. James is a bloody tyrant."

He grinned and raised an eyebrow at me, "Want to trade places? You can be the reserve and I'll be first string?"

If I haven't been able to tell he was joking with me, I wouldn't have had a clue how to answer. "Sure. Then _you_ can be the one Ambrosia forces to braid her hair before take-off." For some reason, just because I was the only other girl on the team, Ackerly assumes I knew how to braid hair. I definitely didn't. Luckily she had no mirror on the pitch, so she assumed that rigorous practicing was what reduced her blond hair to a knotted, lumpy, semblance of a braid. No one wished me enough ill to let her know I was just a shite braider.

Smethwyk gave a shudder. "Never mind, I think I'll stay on the reserve."

"Penny, what- Uh… Smethwyk?" I turned back to the portrait hole, where Sirius was climbing out. "Hey." He said carefully.

I waved. Smethwyk shoved his hands in his pockets. "Hey, Black."

Sirius eyed the large seventh year carefully; "Hey."

"You already said that," I pointed out helpfully. "On your way to practice?" I asked, even though he obviously was.

His eyes scrutinized my face, "Yeah. Wanna walk down with me?"

I shrugged at him, feeling awkward and not really knowing why. I think it was because there was a sort of secret man showdown going on between Sirius and Smethwyk that I didn't really understand at all. "As long as we're going to the same place, right?"

"Right." Answered Sirius bluntly. He nodded as Smethwyk.

Smethwyk nodded back.

Why did it seem like guys seemed to resort to as little words as possible when they didn't really know each other? It was so _weird_.

"Bye, Smethwyk." I waved, as Sirius gripped my elbow and led me away.

He waved back. "See you around, Lyon."

* * *

_Yes. yes, I know, you all _knew_._  
_Penny didn't/doesn't though, so don't ruin it._ :)


	22. Preposterous

**The Problem with Men and Me**

_"Preposterous - contrary to nature or reason; not adapted to the end; utterly and glaringly foolish; unreasonably absurd; perverted."_

Chapter 22: _Preposterous_

"So… you friends with Smethwyk?" Sirius asked me, still holding my elbow in a firm grip.

I subtly tugged it away from him, wondering why he felt the need to lead me around like a naughty child. "Not really. We just bumped into each other." I answered, shrugging my shoulders.

He looked at me seriously; "Was he giving you a hard time about getting beater? Because you earned it fair and square, everyone saw that. And I'll knock him into next week if he-"

I could help but laugh, "Sirius- hush. He's been really nice about it. He said I deserved it." I smiled fondly, just thinking about it. "He seems like a really good person."

Sirius let out a derisive snort; "Oh, please. He's only being nice because he likes you!"

I glared at him, "Shut up Sirius, you're not funny." My voice was a lot meaner than I intended it to be, but I didn't feel like worrying about it at the moment. He was being a prat, as usual. Only he hadn't really been all that pratty lately, which meant that now that he was being pratty it made me twice as cross.

"I'm serious! No self-respecting bloke takes losing that well- especially when it's to a girl!- unless he wants said girl!" Sirius' voice was earnest now, totally and complete serious (Shut up.) and slightly worried.

"That's preposterous!" I looked at him strangely, thinking, and then asked; "Really?"

He gave several hard nods.

"Hm."

"Hm? What does that mean?"

"I'm thinking."

"Well… do you fancy him?"

"I don't know!"

"Is he your type?"

"I _don't_ know!"

"What _is_ your type?"

"_Sirius, I don't bloody know_."

"Hm." Said Sirius. "Well… It's just as well, because he's too old for you."

I glared at him; "He is not! He's seventeen!"

"Exactly," Sirius agreed venomously, "bloody pervert."

I punched him in the arm, hard. "I'm sixteen! That's only a year, you dolt!"

He looked at me, still looking completely earnest; "A year is too much! I draw the line as three months. You're not allowed to date anyone more than three months older than you. Besides, you don't even like him!"

This was such a pointless argument, but we kept it up, even as we arrived at the pitch, and plopped down in the grass to wait for the rest of the team. "I said I don't know if I like him! I don't really know him; maybe I will like him…" I paused and then added; "He's very good looking." as an afterthought.

Sirius gave an indignant huff. "I'm very good looking too. Maybe you like me."

"Don't be silly," I ordered him, "I don't like you. You're Sirius." It was simple as that. He was that guy who used to be mean to me and I once hated, but now was nice to me and made me laugh so I sort of liked.

Sirius looked very dark; "And he's _Smethwyk_. If you got married you'd be Penelope _Smethwyk_, and if you had kids they'd be called _Smethwyk_."

I laughed, patting his knee. "Penelope Black sounds silly too."

"It sounds better than Penelope _Smethwyk_." He muttered, tearing at pieces of grass.

* * *

_Sorry. I've been sort of loving these Smethwyk chapters too much to hold onto them long after finishing. _  
_Sirius doesn't approve._

_Review for me?_

EDIT: Also- Forgot to mention, I quickly put together a tiny list of the people I picture as certain characters. Actually... It started as little but grew... quite large...  



	23. Prattle

**The Problem with Men and Me**

_"Prattle - __(n.) Trifling or childish tattle; empty talk; loquacity on trivial subjects; prate; babble."_

Chapter 23: _Prattle_

"He's- He's- He's much too old for her!"

"Absolutely." Agreed James.

"Pervert." Added Peter.

"Mhm." Assented Remus who hardly looked up from his book to do so.

Sirius continued pacing back and forth across the dormitory, looking mildly feverish. "He's ugly too."

James made a sound of disagreement, "Can't say that mate. He's an alright looking bloke."

"He's _blond_!" Spat Sirius, looking absolutely outraged at this. As if blond hair personally offended him, and should be eradicated from existence. "And his eyes! They're… _brown_!"

Remus actually looked up from his book, drawn into the conversation for the first time; "Hey. My hair is blond." He thought for a moment; "_And_ my eyes are brown."

Sirius observed him for a moment, tilted his head and said; "Don't be silly, Rem. You're hair is more of a Sandy color, and your eyes are sort of amber-y." Then he returned to verbally pointing out everything he found offensive about Smethwyk's appearance. "His nose is all button-ish. _And his earlobes are attached and not dangly_." He hissed the last sentence as if it were the worst trait yet.

"Still not seeing the ugly," Peter admitted, shaking his head.

James agreed with the shorter of his friends; "If I were a girl I'd do him." Upon getting an extremely hurt look from Sirius, he hastily added; "I'd do you first of course. I'm just saying. I'd do him after."

Remus snorted from behind his book. Peter looked hurt; "When would you do me?"

James looked at him for a moment. "When the Giant Squid climbs out of the lake and proposes to Dumbledore. When McG. shags Sirius…" He stopped to try and think of another impossible scenario.

"When Sirius goes on a date with Penelope?" Offered Remus.

"That one." James agreed with a nod.

"To sum it all up," Sirius said, shooting both James and Remus glares, "the day he gets Evans on a date."

James threw a pillow at Sirius, but then clarified, "Provided that I'm a girl when all of that happens."

Peter looked alarmingly upset upon hearing all the conditions James attached to shagging him in the alternate universe in which James was a girl.

No one paid him much mind anyway. "Can we focus on me right now?" Whined Sirius, throwing himself onto James' bed (and James himself), "She thinks he's 'very good looking'. And nice. And he might be her type, but she's not sure because she has no idea what her type is." The whining tone persisted throughout the entire statement.

"Honestly, Sirius, if Smethwyk turns out to be her type you never stood much of a chance anyway. You're nothing like him, look-wise or personality-wise." Remus said sensibly. What was true.

Sirius pouted shamelessly, refusing to let James push him off of his bed. "Exactly. I'm obviously much better than him, so why would she even consider him?"

"Because you told her that he fancies her?" Peter asked.

"Right." Muttered Sirius, "Bugger." It was hard to me Sirius Black.

James finally managed to throw Sirius off, with a great grunt and shove. "Are we going to keep prattling on about Sirius and Penny all day? Or can we stop the Sirius pity-party, now? Because Lily called me a toe-rag today."

"Like she did yesterday?" Remus inquired.

James shook his head, "No, yesterday she put more emphasis on the 'toe' part. Today it was more like last week, when she emphasized the 'rag'."

* * *

_Goodness, I went gator hunting with my dad last night (We had the proper permits and legal stuff) and it was simultaneously fun and boring. We didn't get a gator, but the stars were absolutely gorgeous, and I saw five falling stars. And I did get too catch-and-release a little baby gator that was like a foot long. So cute. And we saw a coyote on out was home. It was cool._

_That's all. :) Review, lovies.  
_


	24. Play

**The Problem with Men and Me**

_"It is better to play than do nothing.__" - Confucious_

Chapter 24: _Play_

Saturday found me wiping gobstone juice off of my face with the towel I kept handy whenever I played against Mary. She was, to put it mildly, rather a lot better than I was. She was, after all, part of the club and had been since she came to school and discovered the game.

Ironically, I was the one who first taught her how to play. How's that for gratitude?

She was giggling on the other side of her bed; "Fine, fine, we don't have to play anymore. I think I've tortured you enough." She laughed, patting me on the knee and then sweeping up her set.

"Right you have." I grumbled, cleaning up my own rather less cared for set. Whereas Mary kept hers clean and polished and nice as the day she bought them, mine were grubby and tarnished. I didn't really mind all that much, to be honest. I didn't play that often. Probably because I really didn't like to lose, and I typically did when it came to gobstones. (It might also have to do with the fact that when I lost I ended up covered with nasty smelling goop.)

"Hey, Mary…" I ventured, deciding that I should probably tell my best friend about what Sirius had told me earlier in the week. "Do you know Leo Smethwyk?"

She considered for a moment; "The seventh year?" I nodded. "Yes."

I picked at a loose thread in her blanket. "Sirius says that he fancies me." It was more of a mutter. The words felt odd to say- I'd certainly never said them before. I'd never much had the occasion too. Blokes never had feelings for me- other than friendship or dislike, it seemed. I wasn't sure how to feel about the possibility that a very fit seventh year might find me appealing as more. Even if I really didn't know him that well.

"Wait," Said Mary, "That Sirius fancies you? What's that got to do with Leo Smethwyk?" Her face was the absolute picture of confusion, brows knit together in puzzlement.

It took me a moment to figure out what she meant. "Oh! No- no, _Sirius_ says that _Smethwyk_ fancies me." I clarified, laughing at the very idea of Sirius liking me. "Don't be silly! Sirius would never like me." And it was the truth. He'd barely tolerated me before this year.

Mary looked much less confused now; "Oh. Well... Smethwyk? Really? How does he even know you?"

"We met at quidditch tryouts. He went out for beater as well." I explained, chewing on my bottom lip thoughtfully.

"He's really, really fit." Mary pointed out, lips curling into a grin, "Do _you_ fancy _him_?"

I shrugged, just as I had to Sirius, and thought on it carefully. He was really, really fit indeed. His hair was a strange shade of blond, and his eyes were big and brown. Defined cheek bones, and a button-ish nose made him utterly adorable. It didn't hurt that he'd been so nice both times I'd met him, and that he was a rather good quidditch player (even if he hadn't made the team). A slow smile began to grow on my own lips; "Well… I don't mind that he might fancy me. And I can see myself fancying him. I just don't really know him that well." I paused for a moment, considering; "Maybe I do. He's really fit."

We both burst into uncharacteristic giggles, clutching at each other and glad that we were the only ones in the Dormitory.

* * *

_Sorry I haven't gotten to answering some of your reviews, loves. I'm at my aunt's for the next day or so, and computer access is limited. I figured I'd use the time to hurry up and get this posted, rather than try to get them all responded to. I WILL answer them, but it will probably be later tonight. Forgive me?_

_-Jessie_


	25. Progress

**The Problem with Men and Me**

_"But progress for the sake of progress must be discouraged.__" – Dolores Umbridge_

Chapter 25: _Progress_

A shadow fell over my book, blocking the light from the fire. "Hey-um… Penelope?"

I looked up from my book, to find the tall form Leo Smethwyk before me. "Oh… hi." I felt my face go somewhat pink. How was I supposed to act around a guy that, according to Sirius, fancied me? Or that I might fancy back? "Call me Penny- it's much better than Penelope." I thought that at least would be a safe thing to say.

He grinned, "I think Penelope's a very nice name." He assured me, take on a mock-serious sort of air; "But if you prefer Penny, I shall have to oblige, won't I?"

"Yes," I nodded solemnly, "you shall." I pointed to the armchair next to mine. "You should sit with me! We can talk quidditch, like you promised at tryouts." I raised my eyebrows at him; trying to give myself an air of confidence that I was sure I didn't have.

He raised his eyebrows back at me; "In James Potter's seat? I don't dare." He instead sat on the floor in front of me. "I'm surprised you've got the courage to sit in Black's." I recognized it for the question that it was.

I shrugged at him, "Sirius told me I could sit in it as long as he wasn't." I explained, closing my book and setting it aside. "I doubt James would mind much if you sat in his. And I'll just tell him to bugger off if he does."

Leo eyed the chair nervously, "Hm. You're really close to them, aren't you?"

I shrugged, "Just James and Sirius I guess. I mean, I'm friends with them. Sirius taught me how to fly." I didn't find it pertinent to add that Sirius and I had certainly not been on good terms at all before this term. It was pointless to hold onto the past like that, even if it had stung my feelings a bit then.

"Yeah, I heard that from Eoghan. He did a bloody good job." He winked at me playfully.

I stifled my laugh, "Yeah well, I was about ready to strangle him quite a few times." Now of course, I was glad that I hadn't indulged on that urge. Even on the numerous occasions when he slapped or pinched my arse, the little cretin. "What about you? When'd you learn to fly?"

He gave a nonchalant shrug, "I guess I just picked it up over the years. It sort of runs in the blood." He had nice lips, I noted. Shaped ones- not thin like some guys'. A full, pleasant sort of mouth. And tucked away in the corner I felt as if a secret was hidden. Like in J. M. Barrie's Peter Pan. A secret kiss, of some special variety.

I was shaken out of these thoughts (Thankfully, they were much too gushy and romantic for my tastes.) by the very lips I was thinking about breaking into a grin. "You're staring at my mouth." He pointed out.

"Oh. Uh," My face was suddenly very red, "Mm." Mm? That was the most intelligent answer I could come up with? No ingenious excuses? I was falling out of practice in the deceptive arts? Shame on me. "Sorry."

He just kept on grinning. "Merlin, please, I don't mind. Stare at me whenever you want." He winked playfully.

This did not help my blush one single bit. In fact, it may have worsened.

"I didn't mean to embarrass you," He offered, eyes suddenly turning earnest; "I was only teasing. If it's any comfort, I've stared at you before. I was just lucky enough that you didn't notice." He shrugged, "In fact, I don't think you even knew I existed."

I looked up, a smile twitching at my lips, "I know you exist now."

He grinned back; "Well, that's certainly progress."

"Yes," I nodded, propping my chin up in my hand, elbow on my knee, and observing him curiously, "it certainly is."

* * *

_ I think that quote is only from the mvoie, and isn't in the book. But I'm not sure. I don't have a book handy at my aunt's. ):_  
_Wherever the quote is from, Sirius heartily agrees with it in reguards to this chapter._


	26. Pervert

**The Problem with Men and Me**

_'I glared at him; "He is not! He's seventeen!"_

_"Exactly," Sirius agreed venomously, "bloody pervert." '__ – Chapter 22: 'Preposterous'  
_

Chapter 26: _Pervert_

Leo Smethwyk had asked Penelope Lyon to the next Hogsmeade weekend- at least, that was the news sweeping the school. It was also widely known that she'd said yes.

Now, this normally wouldn't be such a big deal.

It _was_ a big deal because everyone also knew that Sirius Black had thrown a complete tantrum when he found out about it.

Everyone knew about that because Sirius had done it in the middle of the Great Hall, at breakfast on Sunday morning. It had gone something like this;

Penelope was eating breakfast with Mary MacDonald- was usual, while Bernard, her owl, tried to snap t Mary's fingers. She always managed to pull them away in time, yelping and scolding the bird, while Penny laughed. It seemed fairly normal. Leo was sitting in his usual spot, further down the table, watching the scene out of the corner of his eyes, lips twitching upward somewhat (In either affection or amusement- possibly both?) in a smile, while trying to simultaneously act like he was paying attention to the conversation his fellow seventh years were carrying.

It was odd to see that the four seats typically occupied by the sixth year Gryffindor boys were completely empty. If there was anything he four of them had in common it was their voracious appetites- and the only times they ever skipped a meal was when they needed to be completely alone for some sort of particularly horrendous prank. So the few people who did notice their absence (Penelope and Mary were not among them) were shifting uncomfortably in their seats, and looking generally unsettled. Professor McGonagall seemed particularly nervous, but she said nothing to any of her fellows.

When the four did storm into the Hallway, everyone jumped a bit in their seats.

"SMETHWYK. YES. YOU." Sirius Black was shouting, pointing a finger at the blond seventh year, who was looking extremely shocked, slightly terrified, and minutely amused. James Potter, Remus Lupin, and Peter Pettigrew were fluttering behind Sirius, looking rather nervous, and unsure about what should be done about Sirius.

They'd spent the entire morning trying to calm him down to no avail.

"You had no right to ask her out! She's _sixteen_! You _pervert_!" Sirius shoved a third year boy aside, and slammed his hands down on the table, eyes narrowed dangerously and glaring down his slightly skewed nose at Leo.

Leo looked confused putting down his fork; "Um… what?"

"Penelope!" Sirius shouted, picking his hand up off the table, curling them into fists and slamming them down again for emphasis; "She's _only_ sixteen! Underage! You're a bloody _adult_- you can't date a _minor_."

At this point, a teacher really should have had the good sense to intervene, but the majority of them, much like the entire student body, were frozen with shock and interest.

"…I'm seventeen." Smethwyk told Sirius slowly, as if unsure his confronter was capable of understanding him.

"Exactly!" Replied Sirius, looking a bit mad.

Penelope was watching with wide, absolutely horrified eyes, her mouth slightly agape.

"That's only a year," Pointed out Smethwyk.

"Pervert!" Growled Sirius.

* * *

_I'm so sorry you guys. School snuck up on me, and I sort of overloaded my schedule this year. My mother is forcing em to drop AP Economics though, so that will probably help a great deal. And extra hour and a half of sleep means that I'll actually have the energy to writer instead of crashing right after finishing my homework._


	27. Push

**The Problem with Men and Me**

_"Love is like seaweed; even if you have pushed it away, you will not prevent it from coming back." - Nigerian Proverb__  
_

Chapter 27: _Push_

"You had no right!"

"Yes I did! I had every right! You're my- my friend! Like a-a sister! He should have come to me and asked me first!"

"Why? Why do you have to ruin this for me?" I asked him furiously, trying to fight back the stinging in my eyes.

_Penelope Lyon _doesn't_ cry. Not because of _anyone_. Penelope Lyon got all her tears out when she was a child. Penelope Lyon hasn't cried since she was eleven years old. _No one_ can make her cry anymore._

Especially_ not Sirius Black._

Or so I told myself. "It's none of your business- you're- you're _not_ my _brother_! And now I'm not even sure if you're my _friend_! What kind of friend does that?" I spat out, pushing back the tears with more anger.

He blinked at me; "Of course I'm your friend- I… I _care_ about you, Penny. But you don't- you don't even like _him_! You like that _he_ likes _you_!"

I ripped a pillow off of James bed and hurled it at him angrily; "Don't you dare! You just can't stand the fact that you were wrong! You've never wanted me to be happy- all you've ever done to me is tell me that I'm ugly, and useless, and stupid! Well Leo likes me- and I like him, whatever you think. You were wrong- someone wants me! Someone sweet, and nice, and caring and you're mad because you thought if you put me down enough I'd never find a life outside of you, Mary, quidditch, and school!" I felt a tear slip out, regardless of the way I'd tried to stop it.

Just one. That'd be all. I wasn't going to let more than one tear go. I bent down and picked up another pillow, wiping it away in the process. I wouldn't let him see it. Never. The anger was rolling hot and raging inside of me- like a wildfire.

My heart ached.

Sirius looked more desperate than mad. He looked sad, and pathetic, and pleading.

It made me _sick_.

He had no right to look like that. Like he was the one that had been hurt. Like I'd publicly humiliated him, like I'd confronted some girl he liked and told her she had no business seeing him. Like I'd been the one to want to keep him as some sort of pet, to demean as I saw fit and be nice too when I felt like it.

"Penny-"

"_Don't_ call me that." The words came out as a threatening hiss. And I threw the new pillow at him.

He didn't try and catch it. Just let it hit him in the face. "Penelope. Please."

Merlin- I wanted to hit him. I wanted to pound on every inch of him. I wanted to make him feel as awful and betrayed as I was feeling.

"Don't speak to me," I took several steps towards him, and stood on my toes in front of him, glaring upward with more venom than I could ever remember looking at anyone besides one person with. "ever again. Don't call me Penny, or Penelope. Or even Lyon. Don't pretend you care. Never insult me again. Just. Go. _Die_." And I left him there, trembling in fury and all sorts of other horrid feelings.

Alright. I'm not proud of some of the things I said to him. Maybe he didn't deserve all that. But all I could remember at that moment was all the horrible things he'd ever said or done to me.

I remembered how he'd promised he'd catch me if I fell, during that first flying lesson.

Right then it felt as if he'd broken that promise.

Even worse- as if he'd been the one who'd pushed me.

* * *

_):_


	28. Prefer

**The Problem with Men and Me**

_"Prefer - To choose or be in the habit of choosing as more desirable or as having more value."__  
_

Chapter 28: _Prefer_

"James, mate, please." Sirius was practically begging, clawing at his friend's robes.

James shot pleading looks at Remus and Peter, and tried to push Sirius off. "I can't _do_ that, Padsy. It wouldn't be right. You've just gotta-"

"James! Please!" Sirius begged some more, hugging James around the waist and refusing to be shoved off. "You can't let her do this! You _have_ to stop her! If she goes out with _Smethwyk_- I'll… I'll _die_!" _Come to think of it_, thought Sirius sadly, _that was exactly what she wanted_. She'd be thrilled if he died of heartbreak.

Peter finally came forward, and tried to help James remove the clinging boy from his person. "Padfoot, maybe you should try telling her how you really feel…"

Sirius finally allowed himself to be pulled away, flopping down on the ground instead, staring up at the ceiling. "You never tell a girl you like her. It just makes you look like an idiot."*

"Nonesense." Said James, puffing out his chest, "I tell Lily I like her every day."

"Point proven." Moaned Sirius from the floor.

"Hey!"

Remus laughed; "He's sort of right, James. That was a bad example."

James glared at them, and then flopped back on his bed; "Well, I think maybe Penny wouldn't be so mad if she knew the real reason behind you incessant… bumble-fucking." He sounded sincere, at least.

Sirius made a pained sound. "Can't you just start scheduling all our practices on Hogsmeade weekends? Forbid her to go. You know that Semthwyk is a… a… a complete _tosser_."

"If James forced the whole team to stay behind on Hogsmeade weekends, people would get mad." Remus pointed out.

"I don't care," whined Sirius, thrashing around childishly, "I just want to keep her away from him."

"Talk to her." Muttered Remus, looking somewhat cross.

Sirius sat up, and wrung his hands together. "She doesn't want to talk to me." He confessed; "She never wants to speak to me again." She'd told him to go and die. He decided against sharing that bit with them. They'd be uncomfortable. And it made him feel crushed. No matter what he'd done to her before, Penny had never spoken to him like that. She'd never told him to go die- she'd never sounded so mad or hurt.

Wasn't it funny that the time she had gotten most mad was the time he was genuinely trying to protect her. The one time he'd really desperately wanted to tell her how he felt?

Then again- who was he kidding? He wouldn't have done it. He couldn't. His throat closed up, and his palms got sweaty whenever he just considered it. She'd have only laughed at him anyway.

_She likes Smethwyk_, the horrible self-doubting side of his mind reminded him in a sneering sort of voice, _she'd never like you. He's a seventh year. He's good looking. He's blonde. He's smarter than you. And 'sweet'. You're nothing compared to him._

He shook his head tried to shake the voice away. It wasn't often he had doubts about himself. He was a very self confident boy. At least he'd always thought so. He had no doubts that he was good looking- and he knew he was smart. But…

_She likes him. You can't be so great if she prefers him._

___*Yes. That was an intentional AVPM/S quote. Don't judge. It's epic._  


* * *

_Also guys, I've been thinking that it might be cool to start a forum, where you guys can talk about theories on what might happen next, or opinions on characters, or suggest things to me. :) Maybe write drabbles if you feel like it. I dunno- maybe it's a bit presumptuous of me to even think you'd be interested- I just thought it'd be fun. So let me know what you think._


	29. Perdita Prosperous

**The Problem with Men and Me**

_"Do you like him?"_

_I stared blankly at her; "Black?"_

_"Yes." She nodded._

_I snorted, trying to contain my laughter; "No... No." Did I give off that vibe? I really hoped not._

_Something in Perdita relaxed, she sighed and looked a bit less serious. "Oh. Good. Because I do." -Chapter 16: Perdita Problem_

Chapter 29_: Perdita Prosperous_

I felt a bit guilty, after having time to cool down.

But all I could think about was how mad he'd made me. How stupid he'd been. Everything nasty he'd ever said to me.

I considered going to apologize, and then remembered how, during the first quidditch lesson, he'd smacked my arse.

Stupid git.

I spent the rest of Sunday angrily finishing my homework, and not talking anyone, in the fear that I'd start screaming at them for absolutely no reason to get out my anger.

Come Monday, after a restless night's sleep, I wasn't feeling any better. I still smiled at Mary, to make her stop worrying. And smiled at Leo, sitting further down the table, because I wanted to.

He smiled back.

The butterflies in my stomach went crazy, so I ducked my head and pretended to be absorbed in my breakfast.

Bernard was in a bad mood. He didn't even try to bite Mary. It was a bit worrying, because he _always_ tried to bite Mary. I started to get worried that maybe he could be sick. "You alright, Berny?" I asked him concernedly, preening my fingers through his feathers gently.

He snapped at me and hissed.

Ah. There we go. That's the Bernard I know and love.

I left him alone to walk down the table, snapping at people's fingers and gobbling up their breakfasts.

Oh, Bernard.

After breakfast it was off to Divination with Professor Sarugani. I'd forced Mary to let me 'read' her palm on Saturday, so (For once) I had all my homework done. I was looking forward to a class of sitting in a corner with Violetta Dolohov and snickering over the Hufflepuff girls, and the way that draped themselves over Sirius- _Black_- so unashamedly.

But then, I supposed, they couldn't really be blamed for being so silly. They were only Hufflepuffs. It was in their natures.

Violetta was… interesting. One wouldn't think it from looking at her, but she really was lively. And _funny_ too. After really talking to her, it was impossible not to think that she was actually quite pretty. She had that pureblood look about her, pale and aristocratic. Maybe I wouldn't think it if I hadn't known her- maybe it was her personality that made her pretty. The sharpness in the eyes I'd initially considered dull and black. She was a mystery, alright. A Slytherin that didn't mind befriending a Gryffindor- and a Slytherin that a Gryffindor wanted to be friends with.

Maybe we were both just a little bit odd though.

"Black was awfully upset about you and Smethwyk." She drawled out in an amused tone, as I slumped onto the pillow next to her. A thin black brow was arches at me, demanding information.

I glared at the back of said boy's head, quite a bit away from us. "Black is awful in general. He can shove his opinions up his disgustingly good looking arse for all I give a fu-"

Violetta laughed; "Whatever, Penny." I sunk down into a slump and glared at her for a few moments, before noticing a tall form standing above us, waiting for acknowledgement.

I looked up at the smiling face of Perdita Fray. "Um. Hi." I said.

She sat down next to me without invitation, and began to gush; "Penny! Oh my goodness, I'm so excited for you! Leo Smethwyk is _such_ a catch! And you two will be just utterly _adorable_ together." She giggled.

I felt extremely uncomfortable, so instead of answering I just stared at her face growing redder with every word.

"And your names! Leo and Lyon? It's obviously meant to be!" She clasped both of my hands in her much softer, prettier ones. "Oh, you're going to be so happy! Promise to tell me everything about the date?" She looked at me, her blue eyes big and intent on my face. "Promise!"

"I- um." I said, feeling rather mortified right now. "Promise?"

Perdita shrieked in glee, gave my hands one last squeeze, and fluttered off to go and croon over Sirius for the rest of the class.

Violetta and I exchanged a look, before I groaned and buried my face in my hands, and she went on laughing her sneaky Slytherin little arse off.

Sarugani set us about copying down omens from our books, so it was relatively quiet when Perdita's loud shriek pierced my ears again.

I looked over to where she was sitting in time to see her throw her arms around Sirius' neck and kiss him on the cheek gleefully, gleefully telling him; "Yes! Yes! Of course I will! Yes! This will be so much fun!"

Something twisted painfully in my chest. I had no idea what it was, but it made me wince and wish I'd never met Sirius Black.

* * *

_What, did you think I'd let dear Perdita fade into oblivion?Hmmm. You were wronggggg. She has a part to play yet. :) Thanks to everyone who reviewed last chapter- it was the most reviewed chapter yet! And look out for the next chapter- it's #30 so it'll be quite a bit longer. :) (Although, this one was a bit longer than usual too.)_


	30. Parents

**The Problem with Men and Me**

_"It is easier for a father to have children than for children to have a real father." - Pope John XXIII  
_

Chapter 30_: Parents_

There were an awful lot of things that everyone told me I had to think about for a date that I'd never considered. Lily told me I had to put on lip gloss. Marlene told me I had to wear my hair down (I usually did anyway- but she insisted on using all sorts of charms on it. I've no idea why she would know all of them considering how short her hair was). Mary told me to try and not be _too_ crude- lest I scare him off after the first date. Nancy just looked on thoughtfully, occasionally appearing as if she'd like to say something, but then closing her mouth again. I wasn't sure if that meant she thought ill or well of their advice (Or maybe the idea of me dating Leo at all), so it sort of made me a tad nervous.

It had been two weeks, and I still hadn't made up with Sirius. I didn't plan to either- I was bitterly displeased with him, and he'd made no effort to make peace with me. So I wasn't about to make peace with him. Some bitter and childish part of me wanted him to apologize.

And to revoke his invitation to Hogsmeade from Perdita Fray.

As if even Sirius would be able to put up with her absolute Hufflepuffness for a whole Hogsmeade trip. He'd be sick of her after just the walk there. If not before they even got out of the Castle.

Not even he could bear that much… cheery, air-headed, perkiness that Perdita emanated. Even if she was utterly gorgeous.

The bitter thing twisted in my chest every time I saw them together. When he wrapped an arm around her waist in the halls, or when she curled up next to him by the lake.

The gushiness of it made me sick. I just wanted them to have an awful, dreadful, dramatic fight, and hate each other.

And then all would be right in the world, and he could date a sensible girl. Like Nancy. Or Marlene.

Anyone but Perdita Fray, really.

The only two things that distracted me from the whole thing were quidditch and Leo.

Of course, Perdita had begun to come to practices to watch and cheer Sirius on during those (Who cheers people on for _practices_? An idiot- _that's_ who.), so even quidditch was not entirely distracting me.

No, Leo was by far the best cure. We walked around the castle, and sometimes pretended to study in the library. When I was around him thoughts of Sirius and Perdita were scarce- and if they came at all I just mentioned them to him and we had a bit of a laugh about it. He made the whole things, and my horrible feelings about it seem funny. Like none of it even mattered.

So I was looking forward to Hogsmeade. Let the girls fuss over me- I didn't need to worry about it all. It was sort of nice to know that Leo didn't like me for any sort of primping I did. I wasn't an alarmingly pretty girl like Perdita. I was average. Leo liked me because we both loved quidditch, because I was silly, because I talked to my owl, and because I was sharp. He didn't think me anything that I was't- and he certainly wouldn't expect me to do anything with my hair beyond the usual.

And how did I feel about him?

Well, I wasn't sure. I liked him- quite a lot. For, I suppose, most of the same reasons he liked me. Because he was smart and interesting. Because he didn't try and tiptoe around me, or open doors for me. Because I felt like he knew me- and I knew him. Very well, even though we'd only really known each other for two or three weeks. I suppose the main reason was because it was so easy to smile and laugh and just talk to him.

Sometimes I got nervous, though. Did I want to kiss him? What would it be like? I'd always thought it looked quite unpleasant. Wet and uncomfortable.

I liked Leo, but I couldn't imagine wanting to kiss him.

By the time I found my way out of the castle, feeling a bit out of myself what with my hair being rather softer and bouncier than was normal, I found that, while the other girls had told me what sort of things they found pertinent while on a date, I had no clue what sort of thing I found pertinent. I didn't even know what we were going to be doing for most of the time.

Merlin, I hoped he didn't plan on taking me to Madame Puddifoot's. I wouldn't be able to put up with that.

No, he'd know better than that. Wouldn't he? Yes. Yes, he would.

Girls like Perdita wanted to go places like Madame Puddifoot's. Girls like me endeavored to sneak into the Shrieking Shack and find out what was inside. And he knew that.

"Hey," He said, looking as handsome as always, his blond hair ruffled, teeth flashing at me. His hands were tucked deep in the pockets of his jeans, and he wore a simple blue t-shirt. It contrasted nicely against the pale of his skin. "you look really nice." The grin turned slightly goofy, as if _I_ made him goofy (What a thought- if anything it had to be the other way around.).

I grinned back, "Yeah. Marlene thought it'd be fun to try a few charms on my hair." I tugged at the ends of the vibrant blue vest that I wore over a plain white t-shirt., and scuffed my trainers against the pathway.

One of his hands reached out and twined out fingers together, and he tugged on it playfully. "It's not that. You _always_ look nice. Charms on your hair or not."

Goodness he was sweet. Even if I didn't completely believe him. "Thanks." I muttered abashedly, squeezing his hand back.

We didn't stop holding hands the entire walk, even when I gained back my confidence, and we started chatting as easily as we usually did.

"What do your parents do?" I asked him, peering upwards and examining his face curiously.

He peered right on back, and shrugged; "My whole family is sort of into the quidditch thing. Dad's a referee, mum works for a broom company. It sort of runs in the blood I guess."

"Hm." I paused to think for a moment, before asking- "Are you related to Leopoldina Smethwyck? The first woman referee?"

With a nod he grinned again, "Mum thought it'd be really clever to try and name me after her. Only Leopoldina isn't really a great name for a boy. They settled for Leopold."

"Awful name that." I teased, wrinkling my nose at him.

He mock glared, and then asked; "What about your mum and dad?"

I shrugged; "Mum's a healer. Couldn't tell you about my dad. I don't know the bloke, he took off when Mum got pregnant. He was Canadian, I think."

His expression was horrified; "I'm sorry… I didn't know."

Why was that always the first thing people said when I told them? 'I'm sorry'. It wasn't like my mum shacking up with a dead-beat was their fault. And to me it made no difference. I couldn't miss something I'd never had. There was no empty feeling, or desire to discover who he was. I just… didn't care. I supposed I'd gotten over it ages ago. Some people's parents were muggles, some people's dads were the real gung-ho family type. Mine just wasn't there. He was anonymous; for all that I was concerned he didn't exist. I didn't say any of these things. I just shrugged and said; "Not a big deal. I don't really care."

He looked at me quizzically for a moment, and looked about to say something, but apparently changed him mind. Instead he just gave my hand another squeeze. I liked that.

The rest of the walk went by in companionable silence. It wasn't awkward of tense. We just walked, occasionally smiled at each other, and felt comfortable. It was nice.

I was right. He knew how awful it would have been to have lunch at Madame Puddifoot's. We walked around Hogsmeade- got bagfuls of candy from Honeydukes, and I decided I could spare some change to get some stuff from Zonko's- to try to use on James at a later point. He always seemed to catch me, but it was worth the effort. After that we had lunch at the Three Broomsticks, laughing at the people around us.

And laughing particularly hard when Sirius and Perdita came in, the pretty Hufflepuff looking less than happy with her date. Apparently she thought that Madame Puddifoot's was simply lovely, and wished he'd taken her there instead. Sirius looked thoroughly unconcerned by all of this (Maybe somewhat annoyed), his eyes scanning over everyone in the pub. They stopped on Leo and I for a brief moment- before moving on to an empty booth across the room.

He walked right by without saying a word.

The string in my chest twisted particularly hard, but I ignored it, to continue on my conversation with Leo about how grueling practices were with James.

_

* * *

_

_Sooo... we learn a bit more about both Mr. Smethwyk and Penny in this chapter. As promised, it was a good bit longer than most. I planned on giving you all oodles of updates this weekend, but I arrived home from school to be informed that I was going on a mandatory vacation from tomorrow morning until Monday evening. Hopefully this will hold you all over until my return. ): I'm awfully sorry, guys._


	31. Practicality

**The Problem with Men and Me**

_"The amount of time it took Jessie to update defies all the rules of practicality."  
_

Chapter 31_: Practicality_

It defied all common sense that Sirius and Perdita should keep dating after a week or two- but they did.

Leo and I made sense, of course. We were good with each other, similar. But the only things Sirius and Perdita had in common were their stunning good looks and stunning lack of intelligence. (Alright, fine- I didn't really mean that whole 'lack-of-intelligence' thing- but I was angry with Sirius and bitter and I wanted to think of him as nothing but a pretty face. So I could stop remembering how he was my friend.) He should have broken it off with her right after their date- maybe a day or two after. They should have had a nasty breakup- and everyone seemed to be waiting day by day for one- but it never happened. They just kept on keeping on with the gushy love-fest.

Practices were awful, because nobody seemed to be able to focus with Perdita sitting off in the stands, cheering loudly and obnoxiously for Sirius and jumping up and down. All the lads on the team were much too caught up staring at her tits to focus on playing- and I was too focused on bitterly resenting Sirius for encouraging her disruptive behavior. Leo sometimes came of course- but he always sat quietly in the back, and watched, sometimes flashing me a wink or a thumb up, that made my stomach go all light and fluttery. Unlike Perdita he was tasteful and subtle in his support. And unlike Sirius I didn't make goo-goo eyes at him.

Okay, so maybe I did a couple of times- but you can hardly blame me. Leo was sort or gorgeous, with his… everything.

Occasionally I just had to stop and revel in the fact that, well, that he liked _me_. I never really thought that any boy would like me- Sirius had sort of made me feel like I was an ugly pig, actually. But here was proof that I wasn't- I had Leo Smethwyk, this gorgeous, sweet, talented, smart, all around lovely boy. It felt freeing to be with Leo. I wanted to rub Sirius' nose in it and tell him; 'Look! I _am_ good enough! See? _He_ likes _me_!'. But since I wasn't speaking to Sirius I didn't- I merely ignored him and spent my time wrapped up in everything else; school, Quidditch, Mary, and Leo. I hardly even missed talking to him- as long as I didn't think about it.

"Penny…" We were sitting stretched out by the lake with my right side pressed to his left; it was sort of funny how easily I'd adjusted to being close to him.

I looked up from my Ancient Runes book, observing his face; "Hmmm?"

He tilted his head at me, observing back, before he leaned forward slightly and pressed his lips to mine.

It was soft, sort of tingly, and warm. Not really what I was expecting at all. I pressed back, carefully testing the waters and letting my eyes slip shut.

He pulled back, and I opened my eyes to look back into his. "I really like you." He admitted, mouth twitching slightly up at the corner.

"I really like you too." I replied, my heart rate speeding up just a bit.

His mouth-twitch changed to a full on grin; "Groovy."

* * *

_And thus Jessie got the word 'groovy' out of her system. It WAS the seventies, guysss. D: Sorry this took ages. I'm an awful person. _  
_But I'm being a zombie-hippie for Halloween. :D  
I know I don't really deserve them, but I'd still love some reviews. D: ALSO; to everyone I didn't reply to, I'm SO SORRY. It was just really busy for me. THIS IS ME THANKING YOU. THANK YOU._


	32. Pinch

**The Problem with Men and Me**

_"To squeeze between the thumb and a finger, the jaws of a tool, or other edges."_

Chapter 32_: Pinch_

It was Saturday morning- I was sitting at a table in the library with a book on the progression of the broomstick on the table in front of me. The place was mostly empty- only Mary, me, and a few studious Ravenclaws seemed to occupy it. I wasn't really reading; mostly I was thinking dreamily about the way Leo's lips felt against mine, the way his hands felt when they rested lightly on my hips. And about his eyes. I seemed to be doing a lot of thinking about him lately. Which was nice. I liked thinking about him.

But I was startled out of my thoughts when a sobbing Perdita Fray ran past my table, with a fretful Gerda Abbot following her.

I wasn't a very sensitive person. And really Perdita made me uncomfortable most of the time, but something twinged in my stomach and I had to get up and follow her. She'd thrown herself down in an alcove between some bookcases- Gerda was stroking her hair and letting her taller friend sob into her shoulder.

When she caught sight of me the freckled Hufflepuff glared venomously. "You!" She hissed; "I hope you're happy, you home-wrecking bitch!"

Wait- "What?" I asked incredulously, eyes wide. "What have I done?"

Perdita pinched Gerda's arm and shook her head at me; "N-No! You haven't done anything-" She sniffed loudly and choked back another sob. "Sirius and I- we broke up."

"Oh," I whispered, sympathetic despite the fact that I wasn't really all that surprised. "Perdita, I'm sorry, that's-"

"Just what you wanted!" Accused Gerda ruthlessly, normally round eyes narrowed into slits.

Now that was just ridiculous. I took a step back from her, "Why would I have anything to do with it?" I asked her.

"Oh, no, Penny," Perdita said earnestly, "I know you didn't! Sirius never really liked me." Her smile was sad, "With tits like these," she made a tearful gesture at her breasts, "it's never really _me_ boys like."

Oh, wow. I'd never thought of things that way. I'd always been so... jealous of the way Perdita looked that I'd never considered that maybe looking that way could also be a bit of a burden. "I... I still don't understand what this has to do with me." I confessed guiltily.

"He likes you, _obviously_," sniffed Perdita, clinging to Gerda's arm tightly. "I sort of thought he might before we even started dating. And he told me so when he broke up with me this morning."

"_Bullshit_," was my automatic, crude reply.

She laughed bitterly; "I wish."

"Sirius doesn't like me- he hardly even tolerates me! I haven't even spoken to him in weeks!" The notion was preposterous. All on had to do was look at _me_ and look at _Sirius_- it was sort of obvious that he didn't like me.

Perdita heaved a watery sigh, and shook her head, "No, he definitely likes you a lot."

"But- But I'm dating _Leo_," I reminded them earnestly. How could two boys like me at once? _Preposterous_.

"Exactly." Snapped Gerda, and received another pinch from Perdita.

"You don't even like Sirius a little bit?" Asked Perdita skeptically.

I shook my head and answered truthfully; "No. Not at all. I mean- we were friends, but we got in a fight when Leo and I started going out, and I haven't talked to him since." I'd always thought Sirius was attractive of course- everyone did. But other than that... I'd never thought of him romantically. He was attractive, but he had been my friend. Other than his fantastic arse I thought of him much in the same way I thought of Mary. My stomach turned unpleasantly at the thought of us being... anything. Other than what we'd been before Leo and Perdita. I tried to put myself in Perdita's place, thinking back on the positions I'd seen them in. It was an unpleasant experience.

Perdita merely smiled sadly and wiped at her eyes with the sleeves of her robes. "Well, that figures. The one girl who doesn't want him."

"I- I really _am_ sorry, Perdita," I told her, meaning it.

She just gave another weepy sigh and a sad smile, "I know. Bye, Penny."

I ran, turned away from Perdita's miserable gaze, and Gerda's venomous glare. There was a miserable, sinking, sad feeling in my stomach. My mind was buzzing with jumbled thoughts I couldn't even begin to organize.

I didn't say anything to Mary. Just sat like a statue in my seat, with the broomstick book open in front of me. I tried reading it, but the letters scrambled around the page, twisting into unrecognizable combinations that made my head swim. Only one thought was clear in the haze.

_Sirius likes me?_

**_It look-eth to me, like-th the cat-eth ith out-eth the bag-eth. ALSO. Because i really can't answer all the reviews I've been getting; THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH. Your continued support has been AMAZING, and I hope you all know how much it means to me. That would be a lot. A lot-alot. THIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIS MUUUUCH. Well. More than that. Thank you all. Really. Seriously. Working ont he next chapter... NOW.  
What am I going to do when I run out of P-words?_**


	33. Pain

**The Problem with Men and Me**

_the acutely unpleasant physical discomfort experienced by somebody who is violently struck, injured, or ill  
_

Chapter 33_: Pain_

Bernard pecked lightly at my fingers- not nearly enough to hurt but enough to get my attention. "Yes?" I asked him, offering a strip of bacon up to his beak. He turned it down, glaring at me. "Sorry! Just thought you might be hungry..." I appologized, dropping the strip down onto my plate. He let me preen my fingers through his feathers.

I was taking breakfast up in the owlery. It was the safest place I knew. I wanted to avoid... pretty much everyone I was close to. Sirius never wrote to anyone, Leo didn't like the smell, and Mary had her whole... bird phobia thing. The owlery was the best place for me to be if I didn't want to see any of them. Guilt gnawed at my insides- I should at least be talking about it with Leo.

I did feel sort of guilty about not talking to Leo about it. But it didn't really seem completely necessary for him to be involved.

I wasn't one of those girls who needed to tell her boyfriend (weird word to think) everything, was I? No. It had nothing to do with Leo, when it came down to it. I wasn't even speaking to Sirius at present, so why should it matter?

It shouldn't.

He probably wouldn't care anyway. It wasn't like anything had happened. I wasn't even sure if what Perdita said was true. She might be completely mistaken for all I knew. She probably- definitely- was. No other explanation made sense.

Not to me at least.

Maybe someone else could see sense in it- but certainly not me.

Bernard gave my finger a sharp bite, pinching the skin of my knuckle between the sharp edges of his beak. "Ow!" I shouted, hissing in pain. I knew better by now than to try and yank away (as a first year I had not)- instead I pressed hard on the hinges on each side of his beak, forcing it to pop open and release my finger.

He shrieked unhappily, flapping his wings at me, while I nursed my bleeding appendage.

"Hush, you!" I snapped, muttering curses directed at him under my breath.

"Stop harassing that poor bird."

Immediately I tensed. Sirius' voice was light and amused. Nothing in it suggested that we hadn't actually spoken for several weeks. He looked... normal. His eyes weren't red or puffy like Perdita's, his skin was the same healthy tan that it somehow stayed year long.

I ducked my head and sucked the blood away from my wounded finger. The unpleasant coppery taste of it flooded my senses; washing away whatever thoughts about Sirius and his attractiveness that may have been trying to form in my mind.

Of course he didn't like me. The very idea of it. Perdita was just delirious with sorrow. She didn't know what she was talking about.

Sirius slid down next to me, his body pressing warm against my side. "Can we stop being mad at each other now? I'm sorry about the whole… Smethwyk thing. I don't like him. I never have- which I told you from the beginning. But I miss us being friends."

My heart twisted painfully (A weird sort of painful- not all bad but not all good either), and I pretended to be examining the bite on my finger. "I'm sorry too, I guess. I was sort of a bitch."

"Sort of."

"Tosser."

"Night-Troll."

I smiled a little, and dug my shoulder into his arm fondly. "Thanks."

* * *

_Ask and thou shalt recieve. Also, THANKS TO ALL REVIEWERS. ): Sorry I can't reply to all of you!_


	34. Puke

**The Problem with Men and Me**

_"The art of being colorfully and violently sick on a teammate's shoes."  
_

Chapter 3_4: Puke_

"I can't do this."

"Nonesense," said James, " You've done it loads of times."

"At practice!" I moaned, and promptly spilled the remaining contents of my stomach into the bucket that Sirius was holding for me. The foul taste and smell of bile filled my senses, causing me to gag and retch more.

James looked caught between worry and annoyance. "It's all the same. Only this time you get to knock the snot out of people who don't play on your own team."

"I can't, I can't, I c-can't-"

Through my haze of panic and vomit-induced misery I hardly noticed the way Sirius had set the bucket down between my knees and was holding my dark hair back for me, the rough pads of his fingers brushing the back of my neck soothingly. "You'll be brilliant, Pen. Like you always are- only better probably." His voice was… soothing.

It was something I'd worry about later, but at the time clutched onto. "Do you really think so?" I asked tentatively, letting James shove a glass of water in my hand and promptly swallowing a few gulps, washing the taste of vomit from my mouth. Amazing how a glass of water can make someone feel mountains better in a matter of swallows.

Sirius looked at me seriously, having moved to my side and crouched down so he was eye-level. "I know so. Without a doubt." He held my gaze with his far what seemed like ages, before I heard James clear his throat.

"Guys. Not that this touchy-feely locker room moment hasn't been inspiring and adorable and all, but we need to get out there." He was grinning though, and held out my broom to me. I held up a finger, using the moment to quickly pull my hair into a tight ponytail, before taking it from him. "You'll be great, Penny. We'll win this easy."

I grinned back, clutched my broom hard, and felt the shaking in my knees lessen considerably. Maybe they were a little right. Maybe. Sirius thrust my bat into my other hand, smiling and looking relieved.

"_So_ glad that little break down is over," Ambrosia let out a fake yawn to stress how truly bored she was with the situation, and cocked her hips, "can we please go stomp some Slytherins now? I'm getting bored." Her blond hair was in a neat braid (She'd had a friend do it this time, not me, thank Merlin.) that would around her head in a way that should have looked ridiculous but actually looked quite pretty on her.

James shot her a look; "Don't be a bitch." And planted a hand on my back. "But she's sort of right. We've gotta get on the pitch." He arranged us in a neat little line, with himself at the front (Seeing as he was captain.) followed but Sirius and Ambrosia, Steven, myself, and Eoghan, with Colin taking up the rear. The poor lad looked just about as nervous as I did, and as we filed out onto the field, I flashed him what I hoped was an encouraging thumbs-up. He returned it with a shaky smile.

This was really the first time I'd been out on the pitch in full gear; all padded up with sturdy leather gloves and my uniform. I felt… quite amazing actually. Particularly after stepping onto that pitch and seeing everyone there, grinning furiously when I saw Leo jumping up and down with a rather suggestive sign that read; "**_MY GIRLFRIEND IS GOING TO BEAT YOU OFF!_**"

I very well might possibly really, really have been in _like_ with that kid.

* * *

_*hides face* Hi, guys. Miss me? I missed you! D: Life's been hectic, (what else is new?) but with the return of Glee and the ever fabuloso Darren Criss my muse flows freely again!_

_I'd really like to extend my thanks to everyone who's reviews I didn't get to answer, and to anyone and everyone who has put TPWMaM on their alerts and favorites lists. :) I really am very grateful, guys.  
_


	35. Poke

**The Problem with Men and Me**

_"__The action of tapping and/or softly jabbing an object or person using a finger, stick, or similar object__."  
_

Chapter 35_: Poke_

"Sirius. Seriously."

He poked me again.

"I mean it. I am not joking."

The giggled response was rather high-pitched, particularly for him.

"Sirius!" I tried raising my voice this time. It only resulted in more giggles.

Remus sunk into the spot next to me on the couch, grinning and shaking his head. "It's not worth getting angry. When he's drunk he either gets really affectionate or really annoying. Sometimes both." He bumped shoulders with me, still smiling, "You did good today."

I rolled my eyes; "I go knocked off my broom. That is never 'good'." It had actually been quite painful.

With another nudge to my shoulder he pointed out; "Yeah, but you knocked two other people off theirs before, and got right back on your broom after. It was impressive." His smile made me smile back, gratefully.

"When you hit that Rookwood kid in the gut I thought he was going to pass out for sure!" Shouted some guy I'd never talked to before. "It was _awesome_." He sounded more than a little drunk.

Leo'd gone up to his dorm a while before. He'd said something about being tired, and having homework or something. I think a lot of it had to do with him not wanting to be around alcohol. Apparently last year he'd had a real problem with not knowing when to stop, and he was determined to not make the same mistakes this year. I could respect that- even if I wished he was down here celebrating with me.

Then again, watching Sirius rolling around on the rug in front of me, maybe I should be glad I didn't have to witness Leo in the same state. "We should do something about him." I commented to Remus, nodding my head at Sirius.

He laughed; "How about we have him institutionalized? Or maybe just tie him to a chair for the rest of the night?"

I made a thoughtful face, like I was mulling it over before answering. "No, I don't think that would do much good. I've this strange inkling that he's half octopus and he'll just squeeze out of the ropes…"

Remus laughed a loud, full laugh that made me grin happily. I'd never really talked to him much- I'd always thought he was nice, of course, but we'd never really been friends. It was nice to actually converse with him, though. He had a very innocent air about him that put me at ease and made me like him.

"Penny!" Mary pushed through several people, panting and grabbed my arm, yanking me up off the couch, "Hurry! Marlene- She's dancing on the table and I think she's taking her clothes off! You have to help me get her to bed!" Her eyes were huge and frantic.

I hurried after her, back through the crowd, with Remus close on my tail looking a bit shocked. We left Sirius to himself, rolling around on the rug. He couldn't possibly embarrass himself anymore than he already had.

Well- most likely, at least.

Marlene was indeed on top of a table, swaying her hips seductively, her shirt unbuttoned and hanging open, to reveal a lacy blue bra. She was singing badly along with the words to a rock song, hands in the air and giggling between verses.

"Oh, Merlin." I sighed in a frustrated way. "I do not want to see Marlene's tits."

* * *

:)


	36. Pissed

**The Problem with Men and Me**

"_To be heavily intoxicated with alcohol to the point of not knowing where you are."  
_

Chapter 36: _Pissed_

"Don't be silly, those things on Marlene's chest can hardly be called tits," Sirius had somehow managed to drag himself up from the floor and stumble after us, slinging an arm around my shoulders. He squeezed his thumb and forefinger together, squinting his eyes, "They're like… Ant bites, aren't they? " He looked down at my chest, a lazy grin groaning on his face. "Yours are nice, though. Not… not big, but not small, and really… just… nice."

"Um…" I felt my face heating up and I nudged him away a bit, "You're drunk, mate."

"No, m'not- Well, yes, m'a bit pissed, but- but," He licked his lips, while he struggled to get the words out, "but you still have really nice tits. No- no, not- not tits. Didn't mean to say't like that. Breasts. Boobies. Bosom. 'Dunno. Whatever word sounds most romantic."

Remus winced, taking Sirius's arm and hauling him off of me. "Right. Bed for this one. Think you can handle Marlene you too?" He asked Mary and me.

Mary's cheeks blushed, and she nodded, seeming to have lost her voice. "Yeah," I said, "We'll manage," I glanced up at Marlene, who was twirling her shirt over her head.

With a grunt, Remus nodded at us both and dragged Sirius, who was still babbling, off to the boy's dormitories.

I groaned, climbing on top of the table. A bunch of the guys started whistling and I glared at them, "Perverts, the lot of you," I told them, grabbing Marlene's shirt from her.

"Penny!" She shouted happily, throwing her arms around my neck, "Guys, this is Penny! Penny!" She giggled, slumping against my body and letting me wrap her blouse around her body.

"Come on, Mars," I told her, guiding her down from the table carefully. "Time for bed."

She pouted as Mary took her other arm, "But- but I'm not _tired_," she argued weakly, as the crowd that had gathered around the table began to disperse.

Mary shook her head; sighing heavily and helping me drag Marlene up the stairs. "You will be as soon as you lie down," She told her in an amused voice, lips twitching a little into a smile.

We were all laughing a little by the time we reached the dormitory and managed to tuck Marlene in. She was asleep almost instantly, collapsing against the pillows and snoring loudly.

"Well," said Mary, still giggling a little as she jerked the curtains around Marlene's bed shut. "That was an adventure."

I nodded my agreement, flopping onto my own bed, "Remind me never to drink. Merlin, people act like tossers when they're pissed."

"Sirius was…"

"Yeah," I said shortly, my head falling back against my pillows and focusing my eyes on the ceiling.

Mary sat on the edge of my bed, and I was glad it was just us here, Lily and Nancy must have still been down at the party. "… You okay?" She asked gently.

I shrugged, still staring at the ceiling, "Yeah. I mean. I dunno. I'm… fine. I just… don't know why he says things like that- even drunk. I mean- does he mean them? Or is he just babbling? Does he think those things when he's not drunk, or just…? I… Perdita says he likes me. That he told her when he broke up with her."

She was quiet for a long time. "I sort of… thought so. I have for a while."

"Oh," I answered, my eyes wide and focused on the ceiling. "Wow."


	37. Pessimist

**The Problem with Men and Me**

" A tendency to stress the negative or unfavorable or to take the gloomiest possible view."_  
_

Chapter 37: _Pessimist_

"Mate, you need to look alive."

"Stop existing so loudly, Potter, or I swear I will-"

"Sirius! You're awake!"

"Shut your unholy gobs, the lot of you, or I will shut them for you!" Sirius growled, grabbing his pillow and yanking it over his pounding head to block out their voices. He had maybe gone a little bit over the top, drinking last night.

The quiet chuckling coming from the far corner of the room had to be Remus- snickering to himself. "You told Penny that you liked her tits last night. Several times," He informed his hung over friend.

That made Sirius sit up, straight as a board, tossing open the curtains with his eyes bulging out of his skull. "I _what_?" He near-shouted, he jumped out of bed, but almost immediately his head pounded in protest, and he sat back down on the edge of the mattress.

"You made a right arse of yourself is what you did," Remus told him, looking out the window at where the first snow of the year was beginning to fall. "I had to drag you away from her before you started reciting sonnets to her fingernails, or something."

"She does have lovely nailbeds," James pointed out absent-mindedly, which made all the other boys in the room look at him with raised eyebrows. "I'm only saying," he added hurriedly, giving a shrug.

Even Peter laughed at him, and said; "Who notices a girl's nails? That's barmy."

"Penny does have nice tits though," Sirius muttered, hands unconsciously making a slight groping gesture.

Remus rolled his eyes, having looked away from the window in time to see the hand movement. "You're disgusting. And I think you scared her off you for life," He pushed himself out of his chair, bringing with him a small vile of awful looking potion that he pressed into Sirius' palm. "You owe me."

"Thank you, Moony," Sirius muttered, popping out the cork stopper at the top and swallowing down the awful tasting hangover remedy. He made an overly-dramatic gagging sound and gave him back the empty vile.

James came over, and curled up in the disheveled mess of Sirius' blankets. "Well, let's look at this whole buggered up situation from the bright side," He suggested cheerfully, reaching up and giving Sirius' head a pat.

"What bright side?" Sirius asked, glaring at him unhappily and swatting his hand away. He certainly didn't see that there could be any bright side to having drunkenly told one's best-female-mate-that-one-also-happens-to-fancy that she had nice tits. Even if she did have really nice tits.

Seeming to think it over, James waited before answering, "Well, I'm sure we'll find one eventually. We always do. Don't be such a pessimist, Padfoot."


	38. Personally

**The Problem with Men and Me**

_"__Personally, I think Jessie's very silly and stupid and feels awful about that long unintentional hiatus she went on. Also she's running out of good ideas for chapter names. Personally.__"  
_

Chapter 38_: Personally_

"Leave me alone to die," I moaned mournfully, Hiding my face in my pillow and trying to clutch at the blankets even as Lily pulled them off of me. The shock of the whole situation had set in at about three in the morning, and I'd been crying ever since, for reasons I wasn't totally sure of.

Lily sighed, and sat on the edge of my bed, "Penny, a boy liking you isn't the end of the world."

"But," I sat up, sniffling unreasonably, "But- Leo. And, and Sirius is my friend, and," I shrugged, and wiped at my eyes, lower lip trembling.

Mary made a concerned face and wrapped an arm around my shoulders. "Hush. Just because a guy likes you doesn't mean you have to date him. You have no obligation to date Sirius."

"Unless you like him!" Marlene chimed from her bed, "Because in that case I think you need to jump on that fine arse of his. It's high time one of us shagged him. He's yummy."

"Don't be stupid, Penny loves Leo- he's so much better than Black. Older, more mature- and so sweet," Lily scolded, tucking a piece of red hair behind her ear. "Right, Penny?"

I found myself unable to answer, lips unable to move. And the three of them squealed. "Merlin's beard, Penny! You like him? I can't even-" Mary started, but I quickly interrupted.

"No! No- I like Leo. I like him a lot. And I don't feel that way about Sirius. I don't- I just... I just can't help but wonder what would have happened if I'd found out about all of this... Before Leo," I swallowed thickly, " Does that make me a bad girlfriend? To sort of wish that I'd had a chance to... To at least try with Sirius, before I'd met Leo. I mean, now that I have Leo, I'm so glad. But I can't help but wonder."

They all were sort of quiet, like they didn't know what to say. Marlene was the first to speak up. "No, it makes you human. And personally, I like Sirius better. Leo is nice and all, but he's... Boring. And sort of too perfect," she shrugged.

"There's nothing wrong with being smart and humble," Mary argued, "Leo's sweet."

Lily chewed her bottom lip, "No, no, of course not. But... well. There's something about a Marauder, isn't there?"

I laughed suddenly, "You hate James," I pointed out.

She shrugged, "Yeah, but he's still sort of sexy, isn't he?"

"If you're into that whole overgrown man-puppy thing, I guess," I said with a shrug. "He and Sirius have that in common."

"It'd be hot if they made out," Marlene sighed dreamily.

We all pictured it for a moment before nodding our agreement.

"Sirius and Remus would be way hotter," Mary argued, eyes sort of distant.

"Ooh. Yeah, that would be," Lily agreed.

"This can not be normal to talk about," I pointed out, trying to clear my head of images of Sirius and Remus, my cheeks flushed despite my best efforts to keep the blush down.


	39. Plans

**The Problem with Men and Me**

_"__I've never made plans for more than a day ahead.__"_ -Mary MacLane_  
_

Chapter 39_: Plans_

Breakfast was... Normal enough. Almost all thoughts of Sirius were eradicated from my mind when Leo snuck up behind me, wrapping his arms around my middle and kissing the top of my head. "How's my champion girlfriend feeling this morning? I heard you had to talk Marlene down from a table."

I laughed, twisting my head a little and leaning up to catch the tip of his adorable nose with a tiny kiss. "All in a night's work," I told him, smiling genuinely for what seem like the first time since the night before.

"You noble superhero, you," He teased, pulling away a little and interlacing our fingers. "Saving all those poor boys from something they'd never get over," He pulled out a chair for me.

As I was sitting down, I caught Sirius watching from the corner of my eyes. His eyes looked a little red, and a little puffy. I quickly looked away again, trying to ignoring the clenching in my heart and keep my smile. It felt fake but Leo didn't seem to notice. "Well, you know how I love serving the greater good of Gryffindor house," I replied, mostly succeeding in keeping my tone normal.

Leo smiled back, scooping porridge into a bowl for himself. "I do. In case you were curious, I spent the night in bed reading and wishing you were with me."

I blushed a little and ducked my head, "You? Read? I didn't know you knew how."

"Ha-ha," He shot back, sneaking a warm hand over mine and giving it a fond squeeze.

I shrugged and helped myself to some bacon and chocolate milk with my free hand. "Who said I was joking? I thought I was making a perfectly legitimate assumption."

Laughing and swallowing his bite of porridge, Leo quirked an eyebrow at me. "I think you're confusing me with your friend Black again."

I couldn't help the way my body stiffened a little at the jibe, but I tried yet again to shake it off, my eyes flicking unintentionally to where Sirius was mutilating a piece of toast between James and Peter Pettigrew. "He's really not stupid, you know. He's really smart. Just because he doesn't act it all the time-"

Leo seemed to catch on to my mood, "Oh- I know. Sorry, Penny. I didn't mean to- I was just teasing. You know that."

"Yeah, I know," I replied, forcing a smile again and looking away from Sirius and back to my boyfriend, "I do. It's just… he hates it when people joke about that. Actually, I think he hates it when anyone outside of James teases him."

"Doesn't seem to mind when you do it," Leo grumbled, his face darkening a little and suddenly deciding to busy himself with his breakfast.

I sighed, stabbing at a piece of bacon with my fork. "He's one of my best mates, Leo. And he does mind. He just tolerates me because he has to."

"Let's drop it," he suggested after swallowing, trying to recapture the smile he'd been wearing earlier. "What are your plans for the day?"


	40. Positive

**The Problem with Men and Me**

_"Admitting of no question."__  
_

Chapter 40_: Positive_

I ended up spending my day sitting by the lake with Mary, Marlene, Lily, and Nancy. We dangled our feet in the lake and chatted about mundane things. The air was starting to get crisp and fall was finally starting to catch up. Soon the water would be too cold to soak our feet in, and snow would soak our robes and freeze our arses. But right now it felt nice, and we all needed the relaxation.

My mind was still swimming with thoughts of Sirius. But Mary did her best to engage me in a game of gobstones, and Marlene painted my nails bright purple. Lily started telling us all about the pros and cons of accepting some seventh year Ravenclaw's invitation to Hogsmeade (The pros mostly consisting of his not being James Potter, and the cons of mostly the fact that James would probably hex or threaten him until he revoked the invitation.). Nancy hardly said anything at all, except for laughing a couple of times when Marlene did her imitation of Slughorn.

It was a nice day. Relaxing. Until my eyes caught on James walking towards us from across the grounds. There was no Sirius with him- not even Remus or Peter. He was alone. And James Potter was hardly ever alone. I immediately stiffened from my place between Marlene and Mary, and ducked my head, hoping to hide behind my hair.

Lily noticed gim next, her pretty face hardening and an angry flush rising high on her prominent cheek bones. "What do you want. Potter? We were enjoying ourselves."

James shot her a look, his own face flushing a bit in apparent embarrassment. "Contrary to your apparent belief, Evans, my life and all of my motives don't revolve around you," He jerked a thumb in my direction, "I'm actually here to talk to Penny. You know, because I'm captain of the Quidditch Team, and maybe I needed to speak with one of my players?" I could feel my face growing more red, and a glance up told me Lily was rather more flushed as well- and not in the pretty way she had been.

"Did I do something wrong? James, we won. I mean- I know I got knocked off, I just-"

"No, no, you were bloody brilliant," James reassured me hurriedly, "Fantastic, really, I mean it. I didn't say I was actually here to talk to you about quidditch, I just said maybe. No. I wanted to talk about… Well, maybe we should do this privately."

That made me feel a little bit better for about five seconds before it dawned on me that maybe he wanted to talk about something even worse and then I felt nauseas.

Nancy opened her mouth to protest, but I shook my head. "Um. No, it's fine. Yeah. I'll be back in a jiff," I told them, voice a little shaky as I pushed myself up off the ground and trailed nervously after James.

We walked, side by side, for several long minutes before he said anything at all. "You really did you excellent yesterday. Sirius was so proud."

"I-er. Thanks," I said nervously, examining his face carefully for some sort of hint. "So…?"

"Sirius fancies you. You know now, I can tell. And so can he. He's in a right twist about it. He thinks you'll think he's an idiot," He said bluntly, rubbing at him temples and looking as if he were in pain.

I answered mostly without thinking, "He is an idiot- why would he fancy me? I'm awful, and I'm ugly, and I'm with Leo, and he could have anyone-"

"But he wants you," James pointed out, not unkindly but still painfully blunt. "He has for ages- since last year at least, maybe before that. You're not ugly, or awful. You're fun, and you're pretty. But he's sort of a prat, if you hadn't noticed. He's a right flirt and all but he doesn't know how to talk to girls he actually likes."

"Kind of like you, then?" I asked, smiling a little bit despite the awful twist in my stomach.

James nodded, ruefully, "Yeah. Kind of like me."

I sighed, running a hand restlessly through my hair and looking away. "He's my mate, though, James. I- he's really fancied me that long? I- You know, if he'd asked me out last year I'd have tripped over myself saying yes? But- but I just…. He's my mate. One of my best ones. And- and I like Leo. A lot. Leo's what I need. He's not confusing like Sirius is, and he's not moody, and he's sweet, and- And I know how I feel about him. With Sirius I never know. With Leo things are easy and… nice."

He smiled sadly, shaking his head, "You never hear love stories about couples who had it easy- because the best ones have it hard. Like me and Lily. That'll be one for the ages. People will tell our kids stories about us- about how long she refused, and how stubborn I was. And… one day I'll probably tell your kids the same about you and Sirius. You might not see it yet. Girls are different. We blokes, when we know, we know. And I'm positive."

I felt a bit light headed, and I pushed at James chest a little, "Well- Well I'm not. And- and I really like Leo. Okay? You're my friend, James! And so is Sirius! Why can't you two be happy for me? Leo's a nice guy- he's so nice!"

James looked a little frightened, and he grabbed my elbow, keeping me steady when I teetered, "I know- I'm… I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you, it's just- I'm your friend. I care about you. And I know Smethwyk's an alright guy. But he's just… He's not right for you. He's sort of simple, isn't he? Sort of boring?"

"No! No, he's not! He's- he's interesting, and sweet, and he pulls my chair out for me, and-"

"Sirius lets you sit in his armchair. And he always defends you when Ambrosia starts getting all high-and-mighty when you're late for practice. And he cares about you. He just… doesn't know how to show it."

"Stop- stop-" I told him firmly, trying to stop my head from spinning, my hand curled into a loose fist that I bumped weakly against his chest. "Stop. I won't break up with Leo. I won't. He's done nothing wrong."

James looked very sad and very weary, "Fine. I just… had to try. Sirius is my best mate. I can't stand seeing him the way he's been. I'm sorry. I'll leave you alone about it- just… do me a favor?"

I nodded, feeling my heart twisting at the tone in his voice. "Yeah. Of course, what?"

"Just… give Sirius some space? If he hasn't got a chance, he needs to get over you. So… give him some space."

It felt like my heart had sank to my toes. Space? Sirius was one of my best friends. And now he probably wasn't even going to be able to look at me because I was so… awful.


	41. Please

**The Problem with Men and Me**

_"If you would be so obliging; kindly."__  
_

Chapter 41_: Please_

Giving Sirius space was harder than originally anticipated. We had several classes together, after all, and quidditch practice. And I still thought of him as if he was one of my best friends. Whenever I read something interesting, or said something funny, my first instinct was to turn and tell Sirius about it. But I couldn't. I'd promised James. So I tried turning most of those things to Leo. It wasn't quite the same. We were close, but our senses of humor were different. He didn't always understand the dry wit Sirius had always found so amusing.

It just wasn't the same. Monday nights practice saw me sent to the hospital wing with several broken bones because I'd been distracted and let myself get hit in the stomach with a bludger. I don't think I'd ever been in that much pain before.

Madame Pomfrey forced me to spend the night in the Hospital Wing- Mary brought me my books and some homework, and Leo visited for fifteen minutes or so, just to make sure I was okay. I was settling down into bed, pulling the soft blanket up to my chin when the door creaked open and Sirius came in, glancing around nervously before perching beside my bed. "I'm sorry," he said quietly, pitting at the threading of my blanket.

I shook my head, reaching out a hand and placing it carefully over his, "Me too- I just… James says I should give you space."

"Yeah, I know," Sirius replied, eyes on my hand over his. I removed it quickly, brushing my hair out of my face with it to try and lessen the awkwardness of the sudden movement. "I guess that's probably for the best. But I miss you. I miss us being friends."

Biting my lip, I nodded in agreement. "Me too. I miss you too," I told him softly.

His eyes lit up a little, and he reached foreword to brush a stray strand of hair behind my ear. "Then why…? Why are you doing it? Why won't you just… break up with Smethwyk, and be with me? Please, please, Pen, I- I really fancy you."

I twitched away from him, shuddering a little at his words and drawing the blankets up to my chin. "Because, I don't think of you that way. I just don't. You're my friend- I just… don't fancy you. Leo gives me butterflies, and- and you don't," That wasn't entirely true. Sometimes, I got them around Sirius too. Sometimes, when he'd compliment me, or flash me a smile. Or do something sweet. But it wasn't the same. And I'd made up my mind. I felt like there was a painful knot in my chest, but I pushed it away.

"But _why_?" He asked earnestly, cupping my cheek in one large hand, "Why can't you at least try? Please, Pen, _please_."

"Sirius," I said firmly, trying to keep my voice from wavering, "I just don't. I'm sorry. I don't want to hurt you. But you're like a brother to me, I don't know any other way to describe it. And you deserve someone much better than me. Why don't you try dating Marlene? Marlene's pretty, and nice, and smart- you and her would work really well."

He looked at me sadly, pulling his hand away from my face and shaking his head. "Because she's not you. I tried that already with Perdita."

I couldn't help laughing a little, wiping at my eyes just to make sure no tears slipped out. "No offense but that hardly counted. Perdita's sweet, but she's sort of an idiot."

"Still," Sirius said, not looking amused, "I don't like Marlene. She's not you."

"Sirius. Please, stop. I'm so sorry, but I'm not breaking up with Leo. I really like him," I repeated, for what seemed like the hundredth time.

He nodded, and glanced at the clock on the wall. "I should go to bed, I guess," he said quietly, eyes bright and sharp with sadness.

"Yeah," I replied, just as quiet, "Yeah, I guess so."


End file.
